Hope?

Is it hope if you're wishing for something that, in the natural, would probably never happen?

Or is that just being delusional?

Having to differentiate between the unseen hope and the seen reality is so difficult at times, that I'm in awe of the people who give testimony time and again. Those who emptied their savings to give to the building fund, crying as they did so. The Bible heroes who kept praying and believing in the promises of God even though it looked far more possible to die and be resurrected again seventy-seven times.

How much have they believed? How much have they loved? How much have they kept praying and believing and confessing and persevering?

Aside from that, how powerless did they feel, when the situation happened? How did Joseph felt when he was thrown into prison at that time? How did Peter feel when he denied Jesus the third time? How did David feel when even his own men wanted to kill him?

And again, I'm amazed by what David did. Being as normal as any person, save for his anointing and his heart after God, he cries out. He despairs. He becomes anguished, he wonders where God is all this time when he is in trouble.

Yet, he also praised God. He also prayed to him and believed in him, that he would deliver him from these troubles. That all that he lost would be restored onto him. That his enemies would be swept away by God's right hand.

Just by imagining that kind of a scene, I would think that David might have been crying. Tears of pain, despair, shame, disappointment, confusion flowing down his cheeks like two relentless waterfalls. So bleak was the situation that any other sane man would probably have gone mad.

Yet he praised God and kept his faith.


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Can I be like David? Being so normal, so untalented, so small, so unassuming, so....nondescript.

Yet being able to have a heart after God. Being able to make mistakes, yet repent over and over and over again, sincerely.

Being able to hope, yet also despairing like any normal man would, then picking up the hope again repeatedly.

Being a sinner, having sinned again and again, yet repenting again and again not because of fear, but because of remorse and out of love for God.


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Heart is wavering heavily. I think I've really reached my ceiling, because everything inside is threatening to boil and spill over once again. There will be....things I'll do, I guess, to ensure that my capacity grows larger.

And I myself know that these are going to be tough times. Painful times. Wow...What a change, isn't it? Just earlier this week I was rejoicing. And now, the cheering has ended. My feet were cruelly pulled before me and now I have my head to the ground, not held up high, looking at the clouds and the skies and dreaming great dreams, beautiful dreams.

How fast the day passes! How swiftly the night comes once again! Perhaps when dawn comes anew and twilight fades, there will be a hug, a smile, a kiss, a pat on the back waiting there for me. You can choose to interpret whatever this means, if you like.

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Need some time off. Certain things are becoming an avenue of torment even though they shouldn't be. If you don't see me online or whatever, or that my activity has decreased, don't be alarmed...It's just me deciding that I would no longer be a bother to you, you or you for...I dunno, a few days? A week? A month?

Savor it while you can, I guess...Since I'll probably be like a nuisance again once I'm back on.

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Feeling I shot myself in the foot. Hard. With a shotgun.

Sabotaging myself is the next worse thing I can do aside from testing God, I think.

My intentions were pure...But what if they ended up into something that I never wanted to see happening?

To see that amount of something shown....it really, really stings my heart. All the more when I realise no one really knows much about who I am.

Is this what a family should be like? One or two people trying to understand, know and care for others, yet having little or no one doing the same for them? Or him? Or her?

Or maybe that's what you call 'sacrifice'. Maybe that's one step closer to doing the good works without having to trumpet about them. That would be really swell if I could hear God say 'Well done' one more time. 

I'm praying for the situation to change, though.

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Happy Father's Day?


I don't know...Our family isn't one to celebrate stuff like that so much. Or maybe once again, only one or two are showing concern for the others, for whatever reason the concern is shown. It's still concern.


Maybe I should try to break out of this mould and do something nice one day. Surprise everyone. Smile like I truly mean it. Joke like I really know what I'm talking about. And make my family happy people.

Besides, one of my prayers for them is being answered. Praise the Lord for it! I'll share more during testimony, or you could ask me in private...if anyone really cares enough to ask.


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God cares. God cares. God cares. God cares. God cares. God cares. God cares.

If I can just confess this to realise that's the most important thing, rather than having people care and believe in it, maybe the blues will fly far, far away.

Rather than feeling unappreciated by Man, maybe I can speak to God and feel more appreciated by him.

Rather than feeling alien, maybe I can swim in God's ocean of love and enjoy his presence.

Rather than feeling that I'm so inadequate compared to the talented or capable peopel around me, maybe I can just listen and trust in God's word that I'm indeed his precious child.

Then maybe, when this hope arises once more, I can start changing again till no one recognizes me. I'm not doing this just to spite others, of course, but to show that God can indeed mould something so ordinary into someone so much better.

Not that I believe any more attention or care would be given just because I look or feel different, no. But at least, at the very least....I can glorify God.

Maybe that would be similar to David. Not mired in despair or surrounded by enemies and having friends who want to kill you, but at the very least, the loneliness is bound to be the same.

But yet, I'll still praise him all the same.

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Despite all this, I'm still looking forward.

Looking forward to the next guitar class, knowing that I'll finally learn about restringing and strumming and whatnot. Knowing that I have indeed practised, though it was slightly less than what I wanted it to be.

Looking forward to having good dreams and visions, even if they hardly appear as clearly as they did when I first received that dream and those visions.

Looking forward to how God is going to guide me and carry me through all this madness I'm facing and how he is going to appear as the Fourth Man in the fire beside me.

Looking forward to change and breakthrough again, even if I've failed multiple times to do so for various reasons.

Looking forward to fellowship, visitations, receiving revelations from the Word etc.

Looking forward, even though very little understand or care or want to respond to you. Perhaps it's another trial. Hey, perhaps at the end of the day, my blessings will be overflowing. Perhaps they will be so great, so pleasant, so dreamy, so surprising, so touching that I cannot help but scream 'Hallelujah' every 5 seconds till I'm hoarse.

That would really be something, wouldn't it?

Think I need to take a leaf out of the deeds of the great men and women of God either in the Bible or those that have yet to enter into the Book of Acts. From a tent to the largest church in the world. From a 'ordinary' pastor to a powerful evangelist saving millions of people in Africa. From nearing bankruptcy to prospering so much, just because it has been sown according to the Lord's will.

I guess we can only know what suffering is if we go through the pain, the sweat, the blood and the tears...Then coming out, more powerful, more lovng, more understanding, more joyful and thankful than ever before.


"For it is through pain, not comfort, that we know what our strengths and weaknesses are, and that we can strive to change them through blood, sweat and tears."