Sometimes I wonder...Am I really the only one who makes everything into a competition?
Maybe not, but that would really make me seem all the more tinier if I ever knew the other party had treated this as a competition, had treated the objective as an...well, object or prize and went ahead to do certain things because of that.
Most of the time it doesn't turn out that way, or at least right now I think it doesn't turn out that way, thankfully. I would then question myself...Am I doing certain things because I want to compete?
Soul-searching is really important at times like these. It is, in fact, made easier if you have the King as a mentor and guide. Thankfully, the answer I got after asking him and myself was a big "NO". More than that, I had absolutely no right to judge the motives of others, since the King is the only rightful judge of the hearts of people.
Doing certain things just because I want to compete, just because I always, always want to be on the same page...That's not real passion. As faith is the please the King, any pursuit of any creative endeavor without passion is doomed to failure.
For one thing, I knew that I wanted to take up Korean. Though I have little progress at the moment, I was still very much interested at the very least. (Only the darn action is needed).
So sometimes I question my passion like what I just did: Was it because of my own passion? Was it because of my own reasons, and not because I want to be better than a certain someone? Was it because I wanted to do more things for my spiritual family? Was it because I could boast to others that I finally, finally have something that was useful, and I hopefully would not be overshadowed for?
Somehow it feels like a tightrope between the two extremes, though I predictably would prefer to fall on the side that reads 'Passion' rather than 'Selfish desire'. Worse still if I fall unknowingly into the latter half.
Whatever the case, one has to be true to himself. It may sound like blasphemy, but if one was doing something because of selfish desire, let him/her follow through with it. If one was doing something because of real passion, let him/her follow through with it.
Because eventually, if the one with selfish desire refuses the cries of his/her conscience and continues to do it, he/she will hit a brick wall. Hard. The pseudo-passion then dies out quickly. To put it across more bluntly with a literal English translation of a Chinese phrase, some people just 'won't shed tears unless they see the coffin.' A simple paraphrasing would give us the statement "Learning lessons the hard way."
Why do I even dare to say this? Simple. I've been through this phase so many times that I can't even remember the number. I probably might go through this a few more times in the future too, as every human will, but thank the King that it's definitely going to be reduced in number.
Conversely, real passion should be able to take you through every difficult bend, every complicated vowel, every 'cheem' chord or note. Stumbling will be done, of course, but with real passion, I don't believe he/she will ultimately fall or fail.
One important factor is encouragement. Mutual is probably the best, but any form is always chicken soup for the soul in terms of pressing on in difficult times, be it passion for your job, passion for writing, passion for your relationships, passion for the King.
Let no single person, be it for selfish desire or passion, be half-hearted. It sounds really cool to always be on the edge and finish the tightrope walking, but the real thrill comes in falling off the side, not knowing what's below, not knowing what's ahead, not knowing if someone or something's going to catch you, yet believing in yourself...And believing in the King.
And I hope that side that we fall, that you fall, that I fall...Will be that of real passion.
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