Irritated at the lack of pace. The lack of change.
Seems like there can be so much more that I can do. Should be doing. Supposed to be doing. But all I do is stay at home, attempt to write certain things, fail miserably and spend my time attempting to talk to friends (most of the time successfully on the whole).
Not that it was all fruitless. I love talking to those people, even if the sentiment might not be shared amongst every single person. I love finding out things about people's lives and try to maintain a distance when it gets to sensitive topics.
Which is why sometimes I find myself fumbling about for a nice topic whenever I attempt to initiate conversation or at least maintain it. The end result usually bombed, though, except for a few magical moments where I could hardly believe that it was me typing out all those light-hearted comments.
So in a sense, the waters are stagnant in the relationship I have with several people. Ripples are seen everytime I move, or the other party (friend/acquaintance) moves, but the distance doesn't seem like it has shortened.
But maybe I'm either over-imagining things, or it's just me. I remember that the closest friendships I forged in the past were done over a period of four years. Four years before I could even feel comfortable enough to talk about things closer to the heart. And that was done with friends that I had been in contact with constantly, from Monday to Friday.
Maybe that's the root cause of it. I'm all good with being a friend in the third circle, a 'Hi-Bye' kind of acquaintance, a guy who helps with the little, mundane things like opening doors for people, guiding a group of friends to a nice eatery, providing tissues whenever they needed...You know, those little gestures.
But when it gets to the second circle and sometimes even the first, I can't break through.
Sure, it takes a lot of time, but now that I think about it, others have done it way easier than I do. The simple reasoning boils down, of course, to social awkwardness and my lack of good features and prominent talents (Jack-of-all-trades all have this problem, I think). Those may not be the most important factor (the heart, duh), but they are ingredients as essential as oil is to chicken rice. You can still eat it without the oil, of course, but it definitely won't taste as nice.
Furthermore, stagnant waters breed mosquitoes. A lack of action, progress or whatsoever would see these things coming out to suck the drive out of you, thus increasing the difficulty of those attempting to close the distance.
But you know what? I ain't givin' up just becaus of a few lil' irritating bloodsuckers. More importantly, I need to focus on the King, because that's the way to go since he lights my path.
I'll feel down at times, of course...But I really hope that I'll be able to bounce back even more quickly than ever, till a time where I won't even feel the need to feel down and instead have it as only a natural reaction.
Embrace the fire, and the Fourth Man will come forth with you.
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