You know those long, long train rides from the west side to the east? Well, people do different things to occupy the time. Listen to music on their iPods/iTouches, talking on the phone with friends, playing on their PSPs, pretending (or sometimes really) to fall asleep, staring out of the train window until you realise the next stop is City Hall, even when you're going through a tunnel...
The MRT train is a new hotspot. For me, it has unknowingly became a place where I formulate my thoughts, reflect upon my actions and basically think about things that have happened as well as think about the meaning behind my dreams and visions. Funnily enough, the transport of a public nature has become something of my private space for contemplation.
I walked out of the house with a heavy heart, an illness (flu) and a battle raging in my mind. Somewhere in that mess, all I wanted was to toss everything aside and just do what I needed to when I reached the house of my King. To praise him, worship him and just let him take up every single negative thing I had right now.
Interestingly, the battle raged on in the train and when it seemed like the opposition had won the push, somehow positive thoughts suddenly flooded my mind and washed them all away. After the water had cleared, a new army of three reinforced.
Will. Not. Let.
Simple as that. I remembered the encouragement that a few others had given to me. The lessons they had taught, albeit sometimes unknowingly, about taking control. I was the one in control. I already had the victory. The only thing left is to grasp it. Considering the rock from which I was cut and made, I was totally capable of running riot over those dark thoughts.
And confess I did. I will not let those thoughts take control. I will not let reality faze me. I will not let the darkness affect my fellowshipping. I most definitely will not let the negative thoughts stop me from praising and worshipping my King.
And lastly, I WILL NOT LET anything come between me and my dreams.
Sometimes it felt daunting, but I realise repeated confessions against gloomy make-believe scenarios of me quarreling and leaving my friends and family worked very well. This was how it turned out, a similar scenario as the one I read in the Creativity book mentioned some time back:
Voice: You can't do it. You're going to quarrel with your leaders, your members, friends and leave. They don't understand you, so you should go...
E: Would you mind? I'm trying to concentrate here.
Voice: Look at you! So pathetic. So weak, can't even manage to bring a single person to the King. Look at your results! You call that glorifying the King?
E: Be quiet.
Voice: Let go of it. Let's go somewhere else and forget about going to the house today. No one really cares. What are you hoping for? It's not coming to pass. There's no reciprocation-
E: Look, you better shut up and get out right now, or I can call my King down upon you. Take your pick.
And it left. Just like that.
I know it will come back though. It always does. Yet after that I felt a strange tranquility. Though my emotions were still wavering and I couldn't quite put a great smile on my face, it felt as though my mind had suddenly become clear despite the lack of sleep. To anyone who thought that I was ignoring or angry at them or just plain bored, I'm really sorry. I just needed some time for myself and for the King. And I do hope you're reading this....
I still struggle with confidence issues, but I think all these struggles are for a reason. If change came so easily, it wouldn't be called change. That's why there are revolutions. Uprisings. Wars. Civil conflicts. All these within a country as it tries to change, and in the end only it's people can decide whether it becomes a better place or not.
And I want to keep thinking this way too, so that I'll be able to take the challenges along the way. So that I'll be able to take care of other people more than ever before. So that I can be ready. For a lot of things.
But most importantly, I'm really thankful to the leaders who have encouraged and discipled me that today, I was able to focus just on the King. Focus on the Word and nothing else.
Focus on being true to myself.
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