For lack of a better representation, the dubious-looking word you see there is the Japanese romanji for 'sealed'.
Basically, it means I have to seal something away in order to progress further. Certain things can be good, but too much of a good thing can turn bad...Especially when it is so...difficult to define, so tedious and draining to confirm, so...mind boggling at times that you wish the resolution could come sooner, preferably ones that end in your favour.
'Sealing' might sound a little too grandiose for some people, but I believe that it is an apt word for what I'm doing right now.
The only thing is, it's going to be pretty contradictory, so I'm not entirely sure if it's a good idea on the whole, even if it means that doing so frees me up from worries of not doing the right things. Then again, would I be lying to myself, taking to denial as a sheep takes to the patches of rich, green grass which were already laced with poison?
There are those doubts too. What if this and that happens? What if while you are training or strengthening yourself, the goal that could be reached through what was to be sealed becomes 'redundant'?
It hurts not knowing.
But it hurts even more when you're not doing anything at all.
And since a while back, I've been clinging on. The grip loosening at times, but the hand still upon the same spot. Dreams fade now and then, yet it still lingers.
Though it tarries, it shall not delay.
(....Speaking of which, I need a new Bible. Spine's crumbling.)
Which in this case, perhaps it would really be a good decision to do the Sealing, only breaking it when the time is right and things are in order.
-------------------------
On a random note, I've gotten lots of advice and encouragement on confidence, today being the latest to have received.
I feel relieved. A clearing of the mind, but at the same time, I feel ashamed.
Ashamed that people have gone through so much more than I have, yet were able to maintain their confident outlook on life. Ashamed that it takes what can be perceived as little things to get me down so easily, even though I've reacted far better than I did before.
I want to change. Everything.
But sometimes it just has to progress at a snail's pace, doesn't it?
Still, at some point I know that I'll suddenly take to the skies like a proud, young bird of prey, confident in itself, confident in its abilities, taking action as though it would never fail. Trying again and again even if it fails to fly higher, to attract a mate, to catch his prey, to escape the eagle eyes (pun intended) of hunters.
--------------------------
And that promise I need to fulfill.
Ugh....Need to step on the gas pedal NOW.
No comments:
Post a Comment