It's okay to feel like that once in a while, right?
Not literally sick as in ill with some debiliating condition, but as in figuratively sick. And tired.
Of having no results, of not seeing them...Of always doubting myself.
Of not changing at all even though I try.
Of going up and down and round and round.
You know, it really would be swell if things can go right for me for a longer period of time - say, two weeks, at the maximum? Doesn't have to be perfect till I can do no wrong, or I'm suddenly a saint, or I suddenly receive so much blessing that my storehouse literally could not contain.
But hey, is that being too selfish or impatient? After all, many people waited dozens of years before being able to see their dreams or desires come to pass. Besides, the fulfillment of either might see another's shattered.
Is that too much to ask for?
So many things I want to say that I'm sick and tired of, but that's the problem with blogging. You don't know who's reading (or in this case, NOT reading) and who's making notes. One wrong word written could send the worst kind of impression to others. To tell the truth, I'm considering shutting this whole thing down because (1) It gives others the wrong impression and (2) No one's really reading or commenting on it.
Or should I really say how I feel about certain things and shock the nerves out of everyone who thought they knew me, even my own family?
Now that would be something to see.
But no....I think I'll just put everything aside right now. Every single dream, desire, love, want, need, aspiration, doubt, fear, issue.
Because later I'm going to praise and worship God.
And I'm not going to do that just because it's a sacrifice. I'm going to do it just because I feel like it.
Yes, even though when I try to be true to myself, apparently people don't like it or don't care, but what the heck, that's who I am.
I'm not cheery all the time, though I'm trying to change.
I'm not humorous, though I'm trying to change.
I'm not confident (yet), though I'm trying to change.
In the midst of changing, if I offended or put off anyone....Too bad, I guess, even though all I wanted was to feel like part of the group or family. Have someone ask me "How's your day?" for once, instead of always being called upon or always taking the initiative to ask that.
Have someone ask me "Hey, what do you like to do?" Or even say mundane things like "Oh, that's a nice shirt! Where did you get it?" Or "Have you heard the news about this and that? Did you watch the World Cup? Which team do you support?" Maybe even "Hey, we're eating dinner later. Wanna join us? Don't think we have forgotten you!"
I'm sorry if that was a wrong assumption of even if it hits the bulls-eye, but the impression I get is that no one's interested in me. In what I have to say. In who I am. If you want to lambast me for that, fine. Go ahead. Just DON'T JUDGE ME BY YOUR STANDARDS OR ANYONE ELSE'S, BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY MADE A DECISION TO DO WHAT I CAN. IF I CAN'T SEE RESULTS, I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD KEEP BLAMING MYSELF.
....Phew, that did it. I feel so much freer now. Was there anger up there? Yes, most of it, released. Am I being childish? I don't think so. Even though I'm supposed to be matured and stable and all that, please remember that I had been in social Siberia for quite a number of years. There are things you don't know because YOU DON'T ASK, so please don't act so surprised when you suddenly hear that I have certain issues going on.
Well, at least God can see me through. He's the only one that's really faithful.
But as I said, everything aside. I'll do all that I can to praise and worship God, listen to his word, be ministered to et cetera.
Because I know even if it feels like I don't ever belong in the world, in any place, in any time, in any group, or that I'll always feel alone in terms of friendship and love, at least God loves me.
And maybe that's all I should ever need.
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