Recently, I've been doing some bits and pieces of reflection. Again.
It's not because I have too much time on my hands (or maybe its precisely because of that, something that I'll elaborate later), or that I hate to socialise and keep myself in my own world. I just feel that reflection is a necessary part of growing up and growing out.
That's what history lessons are for. Why the heck are we taking those lessons that could probably have been drier than those bones in the valley? Simple: Because we want to stop repeating the mistakes we committed. Or do things better the next time. Or simply make sure we get things right.
It's almost like a walkthrough of sorts, as long as we pay attention to what transpired.
It's been an interesting journey, to say the least...Ever since entering church again (Did I tell you that I backslided, or maybe you just weren't paying attention? Not your fault though. =P), it felt like my horizons expanded so much.
Putting spiritual things aside - lest some of you out there think I'm getting flaky -, what happened is that church allowed me to start speaking so much more to others. The contemporary yet spiritual, spiritual yet knowledgeable and knowledgeable yet humble people astounded and shamed me. It made me realise how arrogant and how much of a frog I was in that well.
There were more struggles too, though ultimately they have become challenges or trials to me now. Frustration, bitterness, anger, loneliness, disappointment, guilt...some of those things were what I have dealt and still am dealing with, though in a more positive manner this time.
Of course, it's not just all pain and no gain. While thinking back about how I would have communicated with people while on the bus today, I realised that I would never have been able to speak to friends so quickly and to younger people so easily. I realised that I would never have attempted to volunteer to do things so readily.
Yes, several months just to initiate and attempt to continue conversation may seem laughable even to a seven year-old nowadays. Yes, it might be weird for that other believer who simply loves to feel younger when speaking to younger people. Yes, it seems terribly slow for someone who always volunteers for the next blood donation drive whenever he can.
But for me, at my pace and according to what had formed my crackpot personality so many years back, it's a vast improvement.
Thing is, compared to last time, I also can't wait to change faster. I can't wait to get rid of that baggage of old personality faults. I can't wait to be able to make friends so quickly like some of the people I know in church - being able to gel in just a matter of weeks or 1-2 months and feel comfortable around each other. I can't wait to be able to speak clearer, loudly, eloquently. I can't wait to be able to do things confidently, passionately, proudly. I can't wait to declare that my love for people and for God is really real, without any pretense, without any hesitation.
Progress really seems so slow at times, I wonder if I would ever be able to fulfill my dreams and hopes until I'm an old coot, ranting and raving about sore knees and noisy young 'uns.
But again, compared to last time, at least the progress could be seen. Even if it was slower than most people.
In essence, I'm slowly beginning to understand why some people don't understand that I feel the way I feel at times.
And more than ever, I'm always, always grateful for words of affirmation and encouragement. Like today. Even if my horribly spastic facial muscles don't help in showing my gratitude and happiness, let me express it in words over here (hopefully you all are reading this!! =D)
Running a lone race,
Moving at a snail's pace,
Frustration sets in.
Wondering about the promises,
Questioning the causes,
Oh, so much more it could have been!
But even as heart fail,
Even as feet wish to bail,
And the smile comes out in a painful grin,
There in the stands,
At the very two ends,
You...And you were seen.
"Fight on!" you shout,
"Get on up and about!"
Cheering and waving, so very keen.
And suddenly I found strength,
Abruptly my feet strided lengths,
Because I knew what those words mean.
However small your voice,
Whatever the words of your choice,
It gave me the vigor of a teen.
Thank you.
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Again, things are troubling me. Again, I feel like sometimes I really wish I could talk, smile, joke and laugh so freely with you...and you, and you and you and you all over again. Again, I wish I could feel less stiff and just be so very much natural without giving a hoot about what others think of me. Without always worrying if what I said was too offensive or too direct.
Have a nice back and forth banter when we are in a group or when we are alone. A jibe here, a tease there. A poke here, a punch there...Stuff like that. I only wish that were really so. Without pretense. Without awkwardness.
Or maybe I just really need to work on my skills. Learning's a never-ending journey after all.
Or maybe I just need to be more patient! Wait for it, and wait for it and wait for it, all the while improving as much as I can.
And perhaps if I have greater hope still, maybe the breakthrough(s) will come as God ordains it.
And he's probably preparing it/them for me, as well as preparing me for it/them. After all, I did pray for patience, and right now I'm really facing all kinds of irritation, inactivity and other whatnot that stretches my patience to the max and more still.
So....Yeah. Just need to focus.
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Speaking of focus, and of pure, white reflections, I recently found that perhaps I am indeed talented...Just that I have completely no focus or concentration...As the playing of the guitar today would have indicated.
Good at badminton. Never really focused on technique. Good at writing. Never really focused on consistency and structure. Good (?) at praying. Never really went deep a lot of times. Good at reading. Never was able to grasp the key points properly. Good at piano. Never really could play a proper song without making a mistake.
That's what separates the good from the best, eh? Concentration, focus and consistency...All of which I have none at the moment.
Oh well...Gotta keep trying. Gotta keep practising.
And most importantly, keep that promise.
Jiayou, Exel Goh!
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