Victory.
What does it mean to be victorious? To win? To be on top?
I've been wondering all the time, and recently, perhaps only recently have I finally plucked up the courage to admit that I had probably been wrong for the past 10 years about the meaning of winning.
It isn't easy, of course. Not when an idea is so deeply rooted in your mind. I realised that perhaps it might have been the driving force behind my way of thinking for so long until I did not even realise that making decisions based on that mindset wasn't done in a conscious realm.
It might not even be that long, though, considering the first time I ever wanted to win and be better than others so badly was when I was in secondary school, in the badminton team. Training harder than anyone could, putting in more effort than anyone did, being more obedient than anyone could, all to make the team, be better than others and have something that was at least commendable.
But to what end? It could well be that training too much had been my downfall. It had probably been the reason why my fitness was diminishing every single day after my secondary and JC days. It probably was the reason why I partially tore my left cruciate knee ligament, leaving me in despair and hopelessness at that time.
During that time, when I kept striving to become better than certain people who outshone me one way or another, to become more worthy in the eyes of others, I had become selfish, hurting my own body to achieve what I wanted.
Just a few months ago, I felt no different. The anger, the frustration felt was due to that, and I realised it only because some good friends had pointed that out to me. While evaluating my behavior, I was horrified.
Had I changed so much? I had delved so much into it that hatred had actually overtaken my thoughts. Thank the King for my friends. For hope. For the joy in which I can find when I sought him.
What was before was that I had to be better. I had to stand out so that certain people would notice me. I had to view everyone and everything that could potentially be my rival with friendliness yet also with a certain degree of wariness, and whatever they did, I had to keep track and do better.
And in doing so, it drained me. I couldn't focus on myself, nor on the original goal that I wanted to chase. Instead, I got obsessed with winning and tried to find ways to win whenever I could. If I hit a dead end, I would cry out in frustration, take my anger out on things or people near me or just simply break down, refusing to listen to anything or anyone for days on end.
The most costly consequence was that it limited my creativity. I couldn't write like I wanted to. Perhaps that was the reason why I'm doing so badly in university right now. Everyone's competing, comparing how many As or Bs they got. Many conversations are steered towards results, and that made me more crazy about fighting it out. The more I thought about it, the more my creativity was restricted and in turn, I couldn't write what I had in mind. No story idea came out properly. No essay outline came out clearly.
But now, I think I've finally began to toss that away. I don't want to suffer again like I did before. I don't want to let go of the possibility of something good coming out of a desire that might seem hard to reach. I don't want to lose this calmness that I've been feeling in my heart.
Most of all, I don't want to cause any more suffering because of my self-centered want to sate my ego of winning and being better than others.
I still need to work hard, of course, but no longer do I set a target because of others, but because of what I truly want and who I truly am. I want to grasp that feeling when I cared little for the opinions of others, about society's whims on how one should be dressed, be speaking, be knowledgeable about certain subjects or even be a so-called real man.
I'll go at my own pace, along with the King. In work. In dreams. In studies. In friendship. In love.
And once I manage that comfortably, perhaps I can grasp real victory with my own hands.
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