I have this knack of ending up feeling like an idiot after doing something without really processing it through my brain.
Maybe that's just the teenager in me. The impetuous youth inside my heart that has been kept inside for certain purposes. I just used them at the wrong one.
Not going to delete the post though, no matter how accusatory, critical or bad it sounds. I feel that it's part of being true to myself - Those where my feelings at that time, and they shall remain as such. Both as a reminder to myself about the lousy habit of going off on a negative tangent by myself and also as something to consider when I meet people who faced the same kind of problems - I might be able to help them.
Being proven wrong can be a very annoying thing, or it can be very humbling and enlightening.
For one thing, I'm glad that I was proven wrong by God. Strangely enough, somehow I managed to make a few new friends (or acquaintances, rather, since we don't know each other that well) in the Central food court. All it took was a few stares, one stare back, a compliment on the shirt and the way I carried myself, and I got drawn into the conversation.
And meeting with people from church, I couldn't help but smile. I couldn't help but move automatically to help, even though I was seemingly adamantant on being a recluse just for today.
But God would have none of it, I guess. A few sentences, some encouraging words, a sense of duty, a steely determination, and there it was. Again, I didn't realise it until I got onto the MRT train on the way back.
Man, I think I'm starting to love these trains.
Come to think of it, Pst Jeremy is right. Perhaps I've been lacking in humor, so cooped up with the idea of having to grow up fast fast and take up more responsibilities that I turned dour again. A friend mentioned to me that I looked like the 'serious, no-nonsense' type of person, and that woke up the second time.
And really, I think I need to ask myself this, as do you, as do everyone else: Are we enjoying ourselves while serving and helping others? Are we laughing at our own misfortunes earnestly, like it was the funniest thing to ever happen? Are we making jokes out of things that should bring our moods down?
Laughter really is one of the best medicines ever made. Too bad there isn't a Nobel prize for the one who invented it. I'd probably rank him above Louis Pasteur and Marie Curie. (Don't know who they are? Google!!! )
Ultimately, it boils down to resolve too. A resolve to make a decision that lasts and to keep talking and keep talking. In the process of all that happened, I think I haven't been entirely true or natural at all, despite what I thought before this.
Perhaps it really is time to make that decision to start acting/behaving as I know how, as the Goh Tsoon Liang Exel I'm most comfortable with rather than hiding behind fundamental niceties and useless insecurities.
Do I still lonely? I think I still do, but hopefully that will pass. Just gonna brush it aside and act as I should, be it as a clown, a guy who isn't acting all 23 years of his age or just someone that can be totally random, but hopefully fun to be with.
Well, it was a good day today. I pray that I can maintain this momentum together with the Lord, and experience an even better day tomorrow.
Yowzah.
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