Can't.
I feel like I can't. That I've reached the ceiling, that I need to do something, something really drastic to change it all.
So tired today. At the same time, I just feel so many things rushing into my mind.
Loneliness. Sense of Accomplishment. Inadequacy. Regret. Joy through fellowship. Guilt for not being more observant and loving. Irritation at myself for not being more of a higher standard.
Understanding that there's a time, yet feeling frustrated that I couldn't do more. That I couldn't breach that invisible wall I have with so many people. Envy that others could talk almost effortlessly with people that I've been trying to talk to, even though I was supposedly closer, or I had supposedly tried my best. Contrition, knowing that God is moulding me for a brighter future.
*Takes a deep breath*
AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I wish I could talk more, tell others more, but even so, what could that accomplish? It's really a bummer, but currently I feel more like a person who can only really share and talk in one-on-one situations...And even then, not many really care.
...Do they?
Maybe one day, I'll just ask that. Something like "Hey, tell me frankly if I'm being a bother or if I make you feel uncomfortable. Just tell me, and I'll stay away."
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Despite that, the service today was awesome. Movie had a great homemade flavour to it, with a simple script but heartwarming messages behind certain scenes. The critic in me says it could have been better, but hey, it's a short movie, and I think it's as good as the thunderous applause indicated by us audience. I love the message too. Knowing that we should show mercy and not judgment was really enlightening and a nice wake-up call. How many times have we judged, consciously or unconsciously, that we should strive to change it? Have we first seen our own actions, behavior and attitudes that we first need to change? How many more people can we reach out to and help, rather than just staying in our comfort zone.
Of course, not one said that it's easy. It never is.
Fellowship was good too, but tiring. Taking over just for one day for one lunch....Sometimes I wish I never have to do it again, but another part of me hopes I can do it one more time, two more times, three more times....only better, better every time.
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Was I too presumptuous? Had I actually been indulging in a great atmosphere that I shouldn't be in?
It's no one's fault except mine, but there are a few rare times where I feel like I'm...out of place. That I'm an alien species in the midst of so many happy, sincere people. That even though they could talk to others and to each other, I simply could not feel that warmth when I talk to others.
Am I overimagining it? I most certainly hope so.
More than that, sometimes too much of a good thing happening around you can be bad. I'm starting to lose focus, starting to compare again. Need to stop it. Need to concentrate.
God placed me here for a reason. He's made me pick up the pace a whole lot for a reason. He's allowing these confusion for a reason.
I just need to trust in him, over and over and over again, even if it seems hopeless.
Maybe it's just that everything I have received and asked for comes in the long term. I'm kinda a slow person, you see, but when I get things done at that kind of pace or have results after that kind of speed, they are good....Most of the time.
Does that mean the bad stuff happens over a long time too? Heartbreaks, fits of anger, anguish, pain...
I hope not. Let it last for just a short, short while, and then I can move on, even if I'm doing that by staggering.
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Looked in the mirror a tad bit too long...and immediately regretted it.
Sigh.
Wish there can be a more redeeming physical feature there, anywhere. Somewhere. Maybe I'll be more approachable then. Maybe it would be easier to talk and converse with others, and vice versa.
Maybe pigs can fly, with chicken wings. (Aimed at you, SL =P)
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Feels like I'm falling from a mountain all of a sudden.
Maybe I shouldn't have hoped so much, just because of a slight change. It gets difficult to differentiate sometimes, this euphoric feeling about being blessed and whether the blessing was actually....Not a blessing.
I cried. But I need to cling tighter too. Find the right grip, get the right position....And just cling.
Because if the things that I've been praying for have suddenly come to pass, maybe these few things that I'm praying for might as well? Abruptly, in a most pleasant way?
Sometimes I fear to think about it. Sometimes I just want to hope. Sometimes I feel so impatient, and sometimes I feel thankful that God gave me more time for the moulding of my heart.
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Giving and not receiving...How did these people feel?
Trying your best to try to know someone, yet having little people interested in who you are. How did such people feel?
It's going downhill again, my emotions...But Pastor Tan's message caught me: We look not for the praises from Man, but praises from God.
And I should look not from interest from people, but be grateful that God is showing enough interest in me to throw so many trials and mould me.
Or is it?
How tiring...I just wish that I can keep living, living in and feeling his presence. Hear from him that I've done a good job for certain somethings. Just once more. As a day in his courts is better than a thousand elsewhere, perhaps a word of praise or encouragement from God is better than a thousand coming from others that....Well, from others.
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Where did those days go to, where we could laugh, joke and smile so comfortably?
Where did they go, right after the turn of the season, the fall of the leaf?
What did I do that changed all that?
What should I do now to let it change for the better once again?
Why did it occur, that I didn't even notice it till too late?
Why did this happen, when I could have done something or stop doing something to prevent this?
BUT....
I will praise the Lord all the same.
Even while carrying buckets of tears, even while carrying heavy burdens upon my back, even though I cry and protest, even though I beat my chest in anguish....I will still praise you. I will still believe. I will still hope. I will still persevere and keep doing my best to do the good works.
Then one day, maybe, just maybe....That small spark of that can become a huge flame, so powerful, so bright that nothing can contain it. Not my worries, not the circumstances, not the differences, not the obstacles.
Only the passion. The power. The truth. The sincerity. The love.
.......Okay, failed at a poem that doesn't need rhyming. Haa...
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