Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 19: The POWER of 温故知新

For all those that don't know Chinese, the phrase means "Revising the old and gaining the new". At least with the literal translation.

In the meantime, GO. LEARN. CHINESE. Especially if you are a Singaporean Chinese. You can't imagine the number of times I had to switch to somewhat fluent Chinese to help the PRC delegates understand that they were heading in the wrong direction.

Or GO. LEARN....some other language. Like Hangeul (Korean), or Nihon-go (Japanese), or Thai (Thai). Stop planning to do this and that and not take any action in the meantime at all. As much as I say this to some people, this is also a form of self-encouragement, so don't mind it too much.

In any case, the phrase meant a lot to me, and hopefully it will mean a lot to whoever's reading this.

To be honest, I had no idea why the phrase popped up so many times in my head recently. Then I realise, that it might well have been the King speaking to me.

What does it mean? Simple. It means what it means.

Confused? Why should you be? It's that simple. Revising the old and gaining the new. Simple as that! Some more concrete examples to help explain this concept would be like this:

-Revising your old homework constantly and gaining new levels of knowledge and expertise in the subject.(Secondary students who read my blog, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. DO THAT.)

-Rummaging through your old toys and finding a new game to play, just because of that action.

-Reading an old novel and gaining new insights on the plot, the character, the story, its strengths and its weaknesses.

-Playing an old game and gaining new ways to beat it.

And more importantly, reading old verses from the Word and receiving new revelations from them.

I was just reminded of this in today's awesome opening day of the Asia Conference. Some of the things preached were things we have heard of countless of times. So many times have we heard it that some might even suspect we had already timed when to clap and cheer and shout for the King and for his great Subjects.

But that's not it.

That's. Not. It.

That is why I felt that it was a shame when some people started walking out. In my mind, I just felt like screaming, "What about receiving new ideas, new insights, new revelations? Why not sit down and give it a go?"

Of course, some people really did have to go, and I applaud them for even being able to make it down all the way to Singapore just to attend. But for those who have heard of this before, who stand up and leave or start doing other things like using their smartphones for SMSes and Net surfing, I just felt that it was a pity.

Maybe if they had listened, they might grasp something that day.

Maybe if they had listened, their breakthrough would come.

Maybe if they had listened, their troubles would be lifted up to the King and they can feel his joy as He saturate their hearts. 

Which is why I found it somewhat surprising that I felt glum at not being able to hear the two earlier sermons. Messages of the same kind, I have heard before, but revelation is a new thing, and the King simply loves new things. From you and to put in you. It might have been the 'craze' talked about two weeks before, but I realise that wasn't it.

Perhaps I've received part of my breakthrough already. Besides, an amazing healing came when I served. And served. And served, keeping in my heart and mind constantly that I'm doing this because I love the King and the people he loved, the people he brought here to bless...not because I wanted to impress, not because I wanted to run away from the issues in my life, not because I was obligated to.

And with that birth forth a fount of joy when I served and somehow, along that road, I realised the inexplicable pain in my stomach just....vanished.

And you thought it was 'just serving for another big event'.

And that is also why I will continue to bite and cling on to every single session. Every single sermon, hoping that I get something new from what might be perceived old by most people. I don't want to miss any of it, even if I have to.

Darn...Maybe I'll just get the package, even though it costs a bomb for me.

So to everyone out there, please practise the principle of  温故知新, because I'm very, very certain that it will impact your life one way or another.

If you just take action and do it.

If you just Believe it.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 18: Decisions

That's it. I've made the decision.

Going out was the right choice, even though it ended up this late. I didn't realise it then, but now I discovered that while talking to my friend, I had actually been cheering myself on.

The two blind men didn't give up, so why should I?

Caleb didn't give up after twenty long years, so why should I?

Job didn't give up despite his suffering, so why should I?

So, I'm not going to give up either. If it seems long, I'll think of Caleb. If it seems painful, I'll think of Job. If it seems like the King isn't answering me, I'll think of the two blind men who followed Jesus all the way for healing.

I'm not going to give up just because of stupid insecurities. I'm made in the King's image, and stupidity has no part in that. I've made the decision, and ready for action again.

But the action will surface in another area this time. I've probably been trying too hard in that particular area, so now it's time to really switch the focus back onto the King. Everything I've been doing, everything I will be doing, let it be for Him.

Work out that potential that so many, countless people have been telling me that I have.

And if it so happens that other decisions don't happen to include me despite the visions...Well, the decision-makers don't know what they are missing out on. That's too bad, since it would be fun and exciting for you to work out my potential and for me to work out your potential.

If that sounds conceited, go ahead and think that way. I don't really care about what others think, as long as my intentions are right with the King. Because He will truly grant me the desires of my heart, and I know, with affirmation from him, that none of them are wrong with him.

Even so, it doesn't mean I lack concern in certain areas. I do feel and want to show concern, but there are invisible boundaries that I've overstepped once, and I won't do it again till the road is cleared of these irritants by either the parties involved or by the King himself. It would be really wonderful if I could say "Are you all right?" and get a definite answer, but if that doesn't happen, I'll just trust that the King WILL make things right for whoever I have in mind (I'll be praying for you too. Jiayou!).

All right...Asia Conference 2010, here I come. Ready for greater things, miracles, wisdom, love and passion.

Ready for breakthrough.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 17: Help and Clarity

I like the word 'Help'. So many different connotations to it.

I like it especially when it is a verb. Sentences like "Can I help you?", "Let me help you", "Help is on the way." Most of these release positive vibes more than negative.

There are moments where 'help' becomes negative too. To some, asking for 'help' can be seen as a sign of weakness. To others, you don't want any 'help' because of the possible invasion of privacy. There are things so deep, so dark that you don't want to share, because people might think poorly of you. Because that can be a moment of weakness, where if you reveal those difficulties and secrets, you are not sure if they would think lesser of you, or if they would betray your trust and divulge those things.

Everyone finds it difficult one way or another, I believe. I do as well, which is why I hide things from people who might truly want to help. And on the other hand, when the person who genuinely wants to help is rejected one way or another, he gets hurt, even if its the slightest of injuries. He feels that even though he's trying to help just for the sake of helping, and NOT for any other agenda, the other party hates him or doesn't need him.

A bit sensitive, yes? I think so too. but that's the way things work sometimes. It is also perfectly understandable that you feel uncomfortable with unveiling certain aspects of your life, or having someone whom you barely know and probably have absolutely no interest in, trying to help you even in the most mundane ways feels like he's intruded into your life. And you need to hide from this creep.

But Hiding and Solving The Problem are two different things entirely, are they not? I'm not so conceited as to say that whatever help provided would definitely solve your problems. Besides, it's really difficult for some people to accept help, whether it's their fear or pride or uncertainty or whatsoever.

But is rejecting help the solution? Do you think you can handle it all by yourself?

If so, then you are being conceited.

No man-no, let me rephrase that. No man or woman is an island. You can't do everything yourself.

---------------------------------

Be clear about things.

That was what I've been told about doing certain things. Like praying. Like helping others. Like asking for help. Like doing whatever I need to do.

So I wonder if I'm too condemning, too judgmental if I want to use that statement on other people, directly and indirectly.


Be clear about it. If I bother you, tell me. If you really don't need my help, just say it. 

It will hurt, of course. It always does when people tell you that you're a bother. But the indirectness is doing to hurt even worse because it piles up, bit by bit. That's how the Enemy does things too...Piling small, disconcerting, negative voices in my mind bit by bit until they bring you down to your lowest point. Small signs of rejection can hurt a person's confidence and when it accumulates, it overflows and shows on the surface really well.

And so I shall remember to do that too. Be more direct, even if it's difficult.

Lest I forget the take out the plank in my own eye.

Thankfully, though, I'm learning more and more in how to trust the King. Everything's going to turn out fine, even if my concerns are still there, He's going to make it alright again.

Let's concentrate on the stuff that's more important, shall we?

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 16: Luck and Love

Look, you don't know how lucky you are.

Seriously.

Being able to be there, being able to have people to talk to about certain things, being a friend to others so easily...You really don't know how lucky you are.

That's why I'm really irritated why you would feel so down, when there are people who can't even afford to make a single damn mistake. Who might well be the source of the troubles to begin with and is treading on paper-thin ice. Who have nothing, aboslutely nothing but to keep believing only in the King. Who has little support from other people and despite their new resolution(s) to focus on the things that are really important, are still in a more precarious position than you are.

Better wake up before I do the slapping.

What you don't treasure, you will lose. 

Some people already have nothing to lose, because that's how bad their positions are. You, on the other hand, are better placed to do something about it, so STOP COMPLAINING.

And look, certain things may look bad, but just trust in the King, will you?

Just like I did....And will continue doing.

--------------------------------------------

Seriously, what is love?

There are times where I doubt myself on whether I truly loved anyone at all.

Did I love my parents? My siblings? My relatives? My friends? My crushes, even?

My King?

Looking back at what I've done, it seems like I probably have never truly loved, or was truly passionate about something or someone.

But I want to change that. I want to make plans and take action to change all that, so that I can truly love the people around me. Even my enemies.  So that I can truly love what I'm doing instead of treating it as another 'duty' that I have to fulfil. Instead of being someone who seemed to sacrifice and help others, but only in vain.

So that I can be passionate about life. About people. About love. About the King.

And what better way is there than to start with the very one person who died for us all?

Teach me how to be passionate.

Teach me how to love.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 15: Unexpected Expectations

I've got a feeling that I've used this title before, but what the heck.

Getting up was tiring. Going to serve was tiring. Even in the heat while saying hello to the cars and basking in the presence of VIPs and leaders was tiring, if somewhat interesting in its own little ways. I had always thought that this was going to be another normal Sunday, another normal service, another normal day, another normal session of healing (which in itself is not normal, and that tells you a lot about miracles happening in that place). Then I would go off to do some normal helping out with the dialect services and help out the elderly normally.

But you see, the King has said to test Him in certain things, that as you give your time and your effort, He shall pour a blessing so great that your storehouse could not even contain. He is the abundance. He is the unexpected. He surprises everyone and anyone as He wills it.

Pretty cool, isn't it? Pretty cool to have a King like that.

And that was exactly what happened. Though it sounded bad, but I didn't expect my usher group (love you guys!) to celebrate a belated birthday with me. I was surprised too that some of them remembered what I truly desired in my heart as well, as I've only mentioned it to them once or twice throughout our countless days of serving in the King's house.

Then was the main course for the day.

-----------------------------------------

Serving elderly people and helping the people who serve them in dialect church never fails to amaze me. I don't know where they found the love, the patience, the caramaderie, the connection between the young ministry members and the elderly folks, some of whom can be very difficult. But yet, most of them were not.

What amazes me the most was how sincere they were in giving thanks. Yes, some don't say it, but they indicate it clearly. And yes again, it is true that I came with the purpose of serving my King and the people he so loved that he gave his only son to perish on the cross for us, but it was just so refreshing, so edifying to hear people encourage you with words of thanks.

Another amazing thing is how much thanksgiving an elderly member had when I spoke to him. Everytime I spoke, he keeps thanking the King. One might argue that the wheelchair-bound man had nothing to lose, but I've seen people lose hope completely because of their infirmities. I've seen people leak tremendous amounts of faith just because of a slipped disc, not even because they might not even be able to walk ever again. Yet this amicable man kept thanking the King even as I tried to encourage him.

I really hope he receives his healing according to his faith and thanksgiving. I really hope they all do.

Thinking about it, I feel somewhat awed and ashamed. Here was an elderly man who couldn't even walk, who had probably 10 years more, give and take, before going to the King, Yet so many of us youngsters are in the Age of Emo. Every little setback, every break up, every spurned love, every rejection and we get so, so down.

What about this man who could never feel the joy of laughing and jumping for joy while praising the King? What about him who had to suffer from not being able to walk? If he can keep thanking the King for everything in his life despite his circumstances, shouldn't we at least try to do the same?

And again, the scenery of the sky from the east end of Singapore was wonderful. Not breathtaking, since I wasn't on high ground and couldn't see the impeccable mix of colors on a celestial palette with an invisible brush weaving its way across the sky, but beautiful nonetheless.

And despite my tiredness, I found a cheer in my step. I found an interesting viewpoint to look at things, and suddenly the evening sky didn't look so dreary.

Maybe that was what I needed to spur me for the incoming eight days. Remembering to serve the people to the fullest but also remembering to love them. Also remembering to receive while giving. Also remembering to believe despite the circumstances.

Common sense tells me I've been stupid. Spiritual sense tells me to stand firm and work appropriately hard, letting the King do the rest when I sleep. Reality slaps me hard. Dreams and visions comfort and encourage me with hope and good desire.

I don't quite understand this '4th dimension' thingy that a particularly esteemed pastor had mentioned as his main theme in a book fully, but the stability.....

I know it is coming, and I shall believe, with as little expectation of immediate result, that breakthrough is coming.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 14: Oh, quirky day, quirky day!

Really interesting day today. Crashing the prayer meeting wasn't enough. I just had to crash another important aspect of cell group. Not for the first time ever, but it definitely felt like the first time in a long time.

Argh.

But at least I knew why. My spirit man was tired. It was ailing, for some strange reason.  Maybe I hadn't been praying enough. Maybe I had been struck so many times in the head that my soul had become groggy, staggering towards what looked like my corner after getting pummelled in the first round. Or maybe it was the discouraging things that kept coming one after the other.

And the strangest thing happened during service. As if it weren't enough, I had trouble keeping my eyes and heart open to the message. On the brink of giving up, I just told my King that though I looked like this and felt like this, I wanted to hear the word. I wanted healing to come upon my spirit man.

And somehow, I woke up. All of a sudden. The weirdest thing was I didn't even realise it until I stood up in the closing minutes of the service. And another miracle took place: No more pain in chest and shoulder that I had been experiencing before this.

Ask, and you shall receive. Seek, and you shall find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you. 

Simple, basic knowledge, yes? Yet it was the only thing that rang clearly in my head when I struggled to keep myself awake, and His reassurance that everything will be fine.

And all of a sudden, I've never felt so fine before. Sore throat felt better too and I could sing with the gusto I usually have. I suddenly felt like I could take on the world, pray up a storm, read the Word cover to cover, word for word, heal people just by an authoritative word and prayer. Stuff like that.

Of course, that came crashing down somewhat later, but I realise that I was simply thinking about certain things.

...Speaking of which, can someone confirm what a few friends have been saying about me looking fierce? I seriously had no idea that I looked that way when I was thinking about things and displaying a few traces on my emotions about those thoughts. Don't worry...Nothing negative in them, just some story ideas, and whatever that was negative had been dispelled by the interaction with friends and the happy atmosphere around them.

From a lousy start to a relatively good end.

Oh, quirky, quirky day!
Let it be better, come what may.
Good start and good end,
Testimonies I shall lend,
Not for you to destroy,
Nor to treat as a toy,
But to glorify the King,
For He is greater than everything.

Oh, quirky, quirky day!!!

....Hope you liked it. =)

Writing Iridescence, Project Beta: Limits

The first time that I remember placing limits on myself was when i still at an age where schooling wasn't for me. It was a hard memory to dredge up, especially when it involved negative feelings. In that sense, perhaps I had sealed those memories away myself, with a few particularly traumatic or dreadful ones that snuck out to torment me occasionally. 

As it goes, the earliest that I could remember was  heading to the playground. We had many trips to the place filled with slides, swings and other odds and ends that seemed fun to me no matter what they looked like. The thing is, they only seemed that way. As a kid, I would always imagine myself doing this and that, like the cartoons I've seen on TV. That there was this red-caped man who could leap a skyscraper in a single bound, or that there was this mouse who could fly and a particular grey cat who could do all kinds of stunts, get injured, then appeared fine again.

I always wanted to try things, I remembered. There was this new swing, or there was this new toy that looked like a plane and could glide around if you threw it hard and far enough. I wanted to try them all the time, but that one visit that seemed so nondescript, so commonplace changed my perspective, possibly even up till now.

There was once I saw a kid standing on a swing, swinging as hard as he could and laughing as he did so. To me, it looked awesome. Where did he learn to do that? It was like a new thing to me, even if other people had done it before him, and I just wanted to do it.

My parents were adamant, of course. They refused to let me try, mainly because it was understandably dangerous for me to do so. What happened if I fell and hurt myself, like I did when I ran too fast around the stairs and had a considerable amount of skin burnt off my leg by a pot? Being the little kid I was, I wailed about it for a bit. "Why couldn't I do it when the other kids could? Their parents were there too!"

They refused again, of course, and cajoled me into calming down. I didn't know how they did it, considering how spoiled I felt I was last time. But that was it. And being the kid I was, I decided to disobey them. It felt as though they had limited my choice to do something interesting and fun! It felt as though I should be doing this kind of things, since I wasn't given the chance to do what I wanted before.

Then I went up on the swing when my parents weren't looking. Putting my two little feet on the seat, I tried to stand up.

I couldn't.

My legs were trembling so much that they felt like jelly. Despite the bravado I had earlier, it seemed as though the courage had flew out of me like the sudden gust of wind that blew. It took me quite a while, but in the end I managed to stand up, quavering like a leaf hanging from the branch in the strong wind.

I didn't quite know what happened, but I remember a force from behind pushing me. I was totally unprepared and felt like I really flew - only it wasn't the sensation of freedom or satisfaction that I thought I could have.

It was fear.

I fell hard and probably cried so hard that those living on the seventh storey could probably hear me. My parents came rushing back, of course, and I saw a grown woman severely reprimanding the apparent culprit - her son, the one who had done it before.

I could remember his countenance. He felt genuinely sorry and even cried a little about it. I remember looking at him with tear-filled eyes of my own blankly, but managed to stop crying somehow. I remember my parents smiling at the woman, telling her that it was fine. I remember one of them scolding me and the other saying that it was fine for me to try out.

But most of all, I remembered that that was when a small, tiny voice came forth, telling me one thing constantly for a while.

You can't do it. 

And guess what? I really couldn't. I really felt I could no longer do stuff like this. Trying out new things because I might get hurt again. Getting the sand all over my body with blood running down my legs. The pain felt so bad, the danger of the new and the unknown so real...That I retreated immediately.

Never again. Never would I want to get hurt again.

And though I know that in the future I kept wanting to try new things, eventually I procrastinate. Sometimes the words rang empty even to me. At others, I did try, only for interest to fizzle out or for discouragement to set in that I retreated easily.

Perhaps this was the memory that locked me in the realm of self-limitation. Perhaps that was why when I had a great influx of creativity and could write, there was something that was always missing - the spark needed to ignite the dynamite for the story to explode into a colorful, entertaining narrative that I always wanted it to be.

And perhaps by doing this Writing Projects and Fast Flow Writing assignments as much as I can, I can overcome it. I've got the King with me too, so it should work out fine.

Dreams, here I come.

Wandering wonder

Little things never cease to amaze me. Like how beautiful the sky looks at sunset. Or how interesting the play of colors were when the sun shines brightly as the rain continues to fall.

Or how little, little blessings can make you feel fine again.

Well, here's hoping to the wonder continuing even in the midst of the Night. I'm going to stop trying too hard and rest while it's this time and really let my King do the rest.

Pek Chek

Yeah, I get frustrated. Even more so when people tell me that their problems are bigger than yours.

Look, I'm not here to compare when I talk about it. If that's one of the latter things you say, I'm fine with it. Don't throw it out immediately just like that. It makes me feel stupid for telling you my problems. It makes me look like an idiot for even talking. Most of all, it makes YOU look bad, because it feels like you're brushing people off with that kind of attitude.

It's difficult right? Sure is, and I understand that. I also understand the need for humans to keep comparing. So please understand where I'm coming from when I start to compare. Again, difficult, but if there's effort, at least that makes the other party feel better.

Offer a solution. Offer a listening ear. Give advice. Don't just brush the problem off like that. At least you can offer consolation.

And secondly, just wanted to say this...It takes two hands to clap.

I've been told to improve, get to know some people. Well, effort was put in and tries were made. Mistakes too, though hopefully nothing irreversible. What happens if the other party doesn't want to respond or worse still, seems to be ignoring you, even if it's just small, mundane talk? And on one front, the other party talks with you fine and on the other, almost seems like a total stranger.


Really, did I do something wrong? At times I wonder if it's really just me, or if my oversensitive thinking is actually spot-on this time. The signs are there. Reality is there, mocking away.

BUT the King isn't there. He isn't there to put a hand out to stop me. He isn't there to laugh at me. He isn't there to tell me that I'm utterly and completely wrong about what I saw, figuratively (if you know what I mean). All He has done is comfort me with his presence, encourage me with the visions and dreams, affirm them with His Word and forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive and forgive.

"Never mind...Let's try again...This is what you did wrong, so make sure not to make the same mistake....I understand how you feel, so let's do this together..."

Not exactly the same words, but you get the idea.

Maybe it's the Night, so I need to give it a rest on a certain issue. Concentrate on other stuff and let the King flow strongly again, like a flood, washing away all the obstacles, near and far. Cleansing my heart, inside out. Bringing peace and joy, through and through.

Maybe this was how David felt when he was surrounded by his enemies. Or how Gideon felt when he was tasked to lead his people to victory when they were hopelessly outnumbered. Or how Moses and Elijah suffered from depression because the very people they wanted to help and know more about turned their backs on them. When nothing was going their way, when the odds were stacked heavily against them.

And when there was only one person they could turn to.

It's really difficult, because on one hand, I want to work towards that goal and...well, there are circumstances that involve other things. On the other, I want to really trust in the King against all these odds that were borne from the circumstances as well as from within.

Despite that, I really hope I won't have to feel so Pek Chek anymore soon.

And somehow I've left the original issue behind altogether. HURRAY FOR DIGRESSION!

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 13: It's going to be a Long, Long Night....

Phew...

It never came to my mind before, but it pretty much seems like it's going to be a very, very long Night for me.

The question also occurred to me...What if within that midst of people, you are one of the few experiencing your Night time, and the others are having their Day?

....Looks like I really have to learn to lean more on my King rather than depend on the people, the atmosphere and the circumstances around me.

Alright, I admit....Change has been stalling. I haven't been feeling in the best of spirits despite my birthday having just passed two days ago. Not to say I'm not grateful for the wishes, no....But....

Never mind. Maybe I'm just too greedy again, or maybe it's wrong for me to wish for certain things, even if they might seem silly or stupid to other people. Suffering serious setbacks that would again seem laughable to people at my age didn't help either.

At the end of the night, there's going to be light.

I hope.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 12: Day and Night, Darkness and Light

Remember in your history lessons about the principles behind the leaders ruling through Monarchy and Fascism? 

Jeff Rachmat's sermon was just like that: simple yet powerful, though by no means as demanding as the two methods of leadership.

It was nothing we don't know already, actually. That's why it's simple. So simple that he kept reiterating jokingly that even if we did know it, we should try to pretend that we haven't heard of it. Yet it's such simple messages given in the midst of our increasingly complicated life that could really impact us all so deeply that makes it all the more effective and powerful. 

Furthermore, it ties in with what I've been experiencing. What I've been hearing. What I've been reading about. What I've been seeing and what I've been dreaming about. So powerful a word in season that I felt almost completely revitalized.

Till reality sets in. In fact, it might not even be reality, but doubting assumptions set in, wondering if that dream was really for me or that the 'signs' all point to the disturbing truth that I've already lost my grasp on things.

Even I was surprised. Just as I had never before felt so easy to bounce back from setbacks, I found myself thoroughly taken aback by how easy the pressures, the negative feelings and the assumptions sap the energy out of me, while there was still an atmosphere of happiness and faith all around.

But like Pst. Rachmat said, there is a Day and Night. Like what Pst. Tan added on, the Day for others might not be the Day for me, and I know very well how deep this Night is.

To tell the truth, this was probably the most heartwrenching birthday I had thus far, because I had trouble sleeping for a long, long time....And dark dreams start happening again, even in the few hours that I slumbered, they refused to let me take a breather.

But yet again, as morning neared, the voices faded and darkness melted away, screaming and fleeing in terror of the light it did not comprehend, staring in terrified astonishment at the wonderful resolution to my situation...Even if it might not happen in reality.

But it was worth the few extra hours I slept to make up for the insomnia-laden time during the previous night. So beautiful, so clear, so bright was the resolution, the result that I wondered if it was really happening before me.

Let it be so, that my day would come when I work hard. Let it be so, that my King would move so strongly as He did in the night.

Let it be so.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 11: Struggle, Fall, Rise. Hope. Surprise.

I wonder if the title's really befitting of the day today.

It's supposed to be a good day today, of course, considering that I've taken yet another stuttering but good step into the working world. It's just a little more before I go all out, and I'm ill-equipped to be eligible for many positions, it seems.

Gaming? I know next to nothing about programming.

Media Design? Talent's in writing, not art, and I haven't even learned Photoshop...Yeah yeah, I know, collective gasp of horror.

Media Writing? Many better writers out there, as my time in Uni has shown me.

Networking? I couldn't even talk to friends or the people I want to talk with more to save my hide.

Jack of all trades, master of none. Possibly not even writing.

But recently, there's been a change. I find myself wanting more and more to change for whatever reasons made known only to my King, some people I really, really trust and myself. The stumbling blocks were there. I fall, but I picked myself up more easily this time and with more determination, though the tale is the same - Fighting against the darkness, losing to it, then coming on tops again.

And it can really be reflected on the outside sometimes, it seems. Just as Matthew 6:22-24 speaks of the eye and the light and darkness within, sometimes the effects manifests itself visibly. A friend told me I looked fierce - And I didn't even try! All that was occurring in my mind was how I had screwed up my chances earlier o nsomething and simply wanting to concentrate on the Korean text before me to take my mind off things. Big help it was. This was later confirmed by my mom, who said it was 'pretty obvious' that when I came home (usually from church or cellgroup) I would look more radiant and thus more good-looking, while when I was down in the dumps, I would look completely different.

Strange, but so very true. When I look back at the times where the narcissist in me took over, the mirror pointed out just how different I looked when I was brimming with confidence (a rare occurrence, by the way) in the past compared to how I looked when it seemed as though I've just be told that I've contracted the rarest form of disease that makes me immortal but infinitely weak and emotionless.

And then there was the inner struggles. Earlier I mentioned spurning the chances presented to me, and the struggle has a lot to do with this. It's strange how quickly the human mind turns to negativity at times, because I receive confirmation time and again that what I wanted was true. It was right with my King, and that I had the right mindset. All I needed was action to build my own castle and the bridges up so that I can victoriously accept it.

Yet in the blink of an eye, all it took was some silence in certain areas, where the sounds of joy are usually on the other sides, at the other bridges, while I'm left alone to build my bridge most of the time.

I did say most of the time, so there was hardly reason to despair. Being a human and having the bad habit of comparing, I look at the beautiful arches and pillars and ivory used in the construction of the other bridges, and I looked at my own coarse, wooden one and sigh. Somehow the other architects had the expertise, the diligence and the opportunities. Would my diligence ever be enough, especially if they also believe that the King helps them?

I don't want to compete, of course, because what I want isn't so easily quantified. It would be rude and disrespectful to do so. At times like this, I would give up, sit down on the gravelly ground as the storm sends its waves of tears down upon my body, all numb and void of hope and emotion.

Yet there is but one thing to do. Focus on what was in front of me. Focus on the bridge, even if the doubts tell me that the dream and hope doesn't want to have anything to do with me. The vision is enough. It should be enough.

It must be enough, because that and the Word that accompanied it was what really kept me going, even if sometimes it would inexplicably disappear from my memory, sometimes I would remember....That the King has reserved that promise for me, if I keep following his righteousness and keep on keeping on despite the odds. Despite how it seems like in reality, the vision is shying away from me because of some reasons that I do not know.

It's not like I want it to happen immediately, because I know neither the vision nor I would be ready to be receive and be received respectively. Changes need to happen. Things need to happen. I wonder if I had given the impression that I was being overly eager about receiving, but in all certainty and truth, all I wanted was the build the bridge to the vision.

Then again, maybe it wasn't what I thought. Maybe it's just my imagination playing a stupid but damaging prank on me, teasing me with negative impressions and attempting to pull me down so it can go wild again. At times like this, I would reverse that thinking sometimes and wonder if it's better that I don't hope too much from things, since hope deferred makes the heart sick, right?

But on a more positive note, when I do receive some pleasantly  unexpected surprises (like I did earlier last week - it's a secret!), it's very, very pleasant. Even if I can't follow up on that.

Confused? Good. Stay that way, because it would be too boring if you guessed everything that I was talking about correctly. =)

Continuing to Hope and Dream for the continuation of the Vision...

Writing Iridescence: Project Alpha - Journey

Having came across this book some time back and reading through about half of it, I've finally decided to take action. The Writer's Portable Therapist is a pretty good read, recommended not just for writers who have different kinds of blocks in their writing life but also for people looking for inspiration and how to get rid of some of the problems they are facing. Written by Rachel Ballon, also known as "Doc Hollywood", it inspires me. It encourages me through words and experiences that are inexplicably linked to the Word I've read or heard.

I'm going to start writing. And writing. and writing. Each time, it's going to be non-stop, so the posts will be rather long at times. There is still a tendency to stop now and then to think about what I want to write, but the book has told me to unleash it all. Whatever thoughts I have, whatever things I have in mind...Without fear of rejection or fear of being crappy, this is what it's meant to write. Perhaps then my block will be destroyed. Perhaps then my worries will fade, and the visions come on even stronger than before.

--------------------------------------

Journey

There are times where I really feel like I want to go on a journey. To somewhere far away where no one knew me, where no one knew where I was. The ideal place would, of course, be the places I had always wanted to go - Somewhere where there are clear blue skies as though the colors were painted on a canvas by a masterstroke, or somewhere where I could look down at the world from a high place and shout out my frustrations, scream out my anger, cry out my sadness and cheer out my joy. 

And sometimes, the things in this world get you very, very down. Sometimes you just want to leave the situation you are in, take a long, long breather and come back into it again without fighting it all the time. Who knows? Just going somewhere different might change your mindset. It might change your viewpoint and even your personality too, cleaning you of the darker parts and sweeping everything away. 

It sounds so fantastic at times, just like in the movies or shows we watch, where the protagonist leaves his hometown because of some trauma, some failure in relationships with his girlfriend, some great disappointment, goes somewhere else totally unexpected and receives surprising blessings. He gets healed of the trauma in his body. Some get into a new and wonderful relationship with a new girl, while others get inspired in different areas to do different things, somehow finding a new purpose in life and looking at the world for all the small blessings it contained, instead of all the sadness and insanity it causes. 

But I'm starting to think it's true. In fact, our life is already a journey, though that's only figuratively. The only thing is whether we choose to get onto different railway tracks during this trip. Will we want to keep looking at the same scenery because we choose to be in the passenger seat rather than the train operator, who chooses when to break track and change? 

That's why I do envy birds. Although they are lightweight and have to engage in the survival-of-the-fittest game all the time, only having their instincts and natural abilities to aid them, they get to fly. They get to soar above the grandiose civilizations of human beings, being able to literally see from a bird's-eye view everything that's beneath them. They can choose to move wherever they wanted, flying to different places in the world, seeing different things, seeing different people, experiencing different events. If they ever had that single bit of intellect that allowed them to think and speak and the emotions to feel for themselves, how well-traveled they would be! How happy they would be, always experiencing changes, always looking and experiencing new things!

If only I could be like that. But more than that, I wanted to fly, far, far away. Perhaps fly to the most picturesque place I could see in the blink of an eye. Sometimes I even dream of flying to God's arms. I would dream so vividly of taking his hand and weeping openly like a baby at the wrongs I have done, and then at the love and compassion he showed so freely just so I could feel better and more encouraged. 

There are also times where I dreamed that I was going on a trip with the one always on my mind, holding her hand, with our hands linked and sometimes our eyes speaking with each other. Sometimes a smile or two would appear, and understanding passes through both pairs of eyes so easily that it felt as though we were totally secure and comfortable in each other's company. 

There were times where I do wish it was a journey to a majestic place, though, where I can just shout everything out to the world and unleash my anger, my frustration and my tears at the highest mountain on the highest peak, beating my fists into the solid rock that made up the place and crying and crying and crying till an avalanche occurs, or till the sky cries with me. There are moments where I feel like I'd just climbed a mountain and give the longest whoop of victory I had ever shouted, then bask in the beauty of the snow-covered peaks that seemed so radiant to me as sunlight gets reflected off it. 

Currently, though, I do feel like going on a long, long journey. Going somewhere far away where no one really knows where I'm going. It might be unfair to the people who love me, but sometimes I would wonder...Would they miss me when there are people around them to talk with them, to joke with them, to care for them, to love them, to be someone special to them? Would that journey benefit me too? What if I could come back as a much, much better man like the protagonist in that movie? What if I could come back, totally refreshed, completely rejuvenated, changed from inside out to become a better person? 

Besides, God is always with me. Would it be right for me to revert to being a loner again, wandering places where I've always wanted to go, doing things I've always wanted to do, talking to people I've never seen before? Sometimes I think it isn't. There are just so many things I have to take care of and be concerned about. So many reality checks in place. So many responsibilities currently and in the future. so many insecurities. 

But maybe I don't have to make that journey after all. God is a God of new things, right? So all I have to do is to keep looking from a different perspective from where I usually glance. All I need to do is always look at the positive side, take joy in the smallest of blessings even when the circumstances are all against me, take in the beautiful part of the ugly picture, embrace the challenges I face in the most disadvantageous situations I've ever faced and instead of wallowing in defeat, march on with the knowledge that I'll be victorious. 

There are times where I do feel some of my silliest worries are valid for good reason, but perhaps my journey is just like that. It's not like I can climb a mountain just by flying up all the way, or I can reach the most beautiful and scenic place just by thinking about it. There are obstacles along the way and I have to overcome them as much as I can, and it is at this point where I feel like I don't really know what to write anymore. Free Flow Writing, after all...And it's supposed to last for 20 minutes, but what the heck. 

But that is it. That was probably the journey I've seen myself in. The path that I had to walk can sometimes be riddled with spikes and unexpected pitfalls, but moving upon it in different ways will most certainly help me attain my goal.

And more than that, if the journey was to be towards a most beautiful place, I wanted to do it with the person I love. Building a mutual trust in us where we can share anything and everything, being able to give and receive at the same time, being able to love her for everything she is, for her good points and her bad. Being able to achieve that kind of understanding and affection we have that I saw in my dream. Sometimes I wonder if she sees the same kind of dream, but that's just really wishful thinking from a powerful imagination. 

Then we can both be the train operators, choosing to change the track where we want it both to take us. Where we just wanted to take a journey to the most wonderful place we can both think of, sometimes without even having to talk about it.

A journey to a place of unparalleled beauty and bliss.

A journey beyond our wildest dreams.

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Yeah, I know...It feels kinda random and the structuring isn't really there, but I needed to do something to get rid of the block. As for the truth in those words...

It's really up to you to comprehend and decide.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 10: For Whom?

Rather interesting day today.

Not to say that I wasn't grateful for the birthday wishes and happy that for the people who received their release and water baptism, but it really was a pretty interesting day today.

Changing your mindset can be real hard, I found, but not entirely impossible. It's like changing to a different brand of clothes as compared to the one you were more comfortable with all the while. Not easy, but possible. Trying that today earned me lessons that I would never have learned in any of the schools I've been to thus far. No one really taught me how to carry myself in a conversation. No one really told me how blessed they were to have me as a friend (except for my help in language, which I remembered was voluntary). No one really gave me hope when I despaired over grades.

Back then, no one really did that much.

But now, I learned lessons about how to carry myself. Lessons on self-control. Lessons on being more active in 'fighting' and doing what I should do. Lessons on disciplining many aspects of myself and letting other areas flow freely in creativity.

Still wish I could talk more and be more interesting. Despite the lack of smiles still apparent, there seems to be improvement. At least I could talk freely to people now. At least I won't feel like an idiot when people don't respond sometimes. It's because I speak too softly or some kind of newfound language that no one but me and the King understands.

Seriously gotta learn to speak more clearly without being Jay Chou-ish.

More importantly, watching A Walk to Remember (At least, some of it...Wanna finish it!!!! >_<) at Elvin's house gave me yet another important lesson pertaining to the season I'm going through.

The protagonist experiences a metamorphosis after meeting this girl, and he changes so much for her, turning from a popular pseudo-jock into a guy who's willing to make himself work hard, take suggestions he previously ignored, do surprising things and become much more decent, all just for the girl.

Sometimes I see myself in him. Sometimes I see others in him. Like how someone, or something urges us so much to want to change, that we really do change. But when I look at myself as I am, I began to wonder: Who am I really changing for?

Was it for myself? Was it for someone else? Was it for everyone? Was it for the King? I looked at the progress I made and felt foolish. It has been barely a month, and there's so little continuous progress.

in the midst of all that turmoil and chaos previously, I had forgotten the reason(s) for changing, sometimes even turning them into the culprits for the trials I was facing. But the shame is over...The self-condemnation is over. While I might (and most probably will) stumble along the way, I will not fall....Because the King is there to help me back up again. Because there are people who silently supported me, like one of the short stories in a previous post had emphasized. (Kinda silly I forgot about that earlier. Haha.) Because....I need to change.

For something. For the someone(s) in my life. For myself.

For the King.

"Knowing the situation is being the car's technician. Wanting to change is the ignition key, and taking action is stepping on the gas pedal and the brakes at the appropriate times."

~ Exel

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 9: Shame and Redemption

I'm sorry.

I wonder if apologizing all the time could help me feel a little less ashamed, a little less foolish, a little less stupid, a little less guilty. I wonder if just apologizing could undo all the damage I've done to other people and myself.

Fat chance.Wars nor terrorism wouldn't even be in the dictionary if that was all that's needed.

But I'm sorry all the same, and hope that everyone I've ever talked or even thought of badly these past few hellish days can find it in their hearts to forgive me, especially if they know that I'm talking about them. Once again, I've let things spiral out of control and the chaos within overwhelmed me like never before. The things I've said in what is now a non-existent post were largely borne from impulse, but I would not even deny that it was my own fault for allowing the insanity to take over, for magnifying the problems over my King.

I'm sorry.

Never considering the feelings of others, never considering what they were thinking, never even considering that they were innocent parties and just playing the hypocritical role of a victim, becoming one of the very things I abhor...I really have fallen. Hard. No matter I felt silence from the King for so long this time.

When was it that I let the Darkness devour me? Had it been before that, that it threw everything evil and carnal that resided in the dark recesses of my heart? I didn't even realise it!

In fact, the King has probably given me warning signs, but I failed to heed them throughout, and this is what happens when anyone follows the counsel of fools - mostly in a figurative sense, of course. Now I look stupid and foolish to everyone. To myself, going around in circles no one else can see, circles that even weren't meant to be.

....Hey, at least that rhymes.

Guilt and shame sets in after that, and I'm sorry to the King. To myself at the very end. But because it is the King, because I still manage to retain the tiniest bit of control, because I cried out to Him repeatedly, He gave me Jeremiah 31:37.

Emotions started flooding in where a drought of numbness once was and He spoke once more, with that still, small voice, ever so comforting, encouraging, forgiving. And I was simply overwhelmed. The Darkness was overwhelmed and swept away, it's cries of outrage surprisingly silent against the waters He provided. Like His righteous anger, He casted out the enemies and set me upon a boat that brought me only safety.

I'm still somewhat numb today, even tonight, but He never told me everything was going to fine immediately. Sometimes some things really do need a process.

Especially the wounds I have. Especially the promises He has given me.

I'm sorry, everyone....

And Thank you.

Concentration

Keep losing it. The focus goes off, and I drop into depression.

Should I think bad of some who don't care? No. Actually, they have a valid reason too: so that they can get ahead of me in certain things, while showing concern when others are around.

Even if that's true, I think I should just lie to myself and say it isn't, because that truth might still be a lie in the end. Paradoxical, but I think it's logical.

The vision revisited me yesterday. Though it wasn't as clear as the last time, I could feel the conviction starting to reignite the dying embers of the passion and drive in my heart. The flame isn't as strong as before, of course...But it's a good way to start again and not let the things near me affect me so much. Following someone as an example is one thing. Following his deficiencies as well as insecurities is another, because I have became victim to those things unwittingly.

But the vision appeared again. He spoke again. He comforted me again, when no one else wanted to, and I'm so glad I made the decision to talk to Him even though I felt too numb to show emotion or cry out.

I can't let that happen anymore, because I am myself, and he is himself. When I wanted change, it wasn't to be like him; It was to become more like Him. Hope you get it.

That's why....If he has the support of friends and the King, at least I have the support of the King. And in my weakness let He show himself all the more stronger. In what I'm lacking let him be more than enough. In what I desire let him bless me with an overflowing, more than I can even ask or imagine.

So today, while other people are having fun, while other people bask in the joyful atmosphere of being showered with care, concern and love, I'll just work hard and love my King more. If no human loves me, at least He does. If no human cares, at least He does. If no human remembers, at least He does. If no human forgives, at least He does.

The hurt hasn't gone away, but it has most certainly subsided. The storm has passed and the first rays of light pierce through the grey, gloomy mass like arrows that just left their bows, so swift and sure.

Chronicles of Iridescence, chapter 8: 이건 내 얘기가 아니에요

It's not about me.

I have to keep thinking that way. Deny myself. Tell myself that it's not about me. That it's NEVER about me. I can't be selfish and want attention all the time when I'm down or when I'm in trouble. I can't.

Even though I say that, it's weird how this restlessness just keeps surfacing and resurfacing all over again. Today was a hopeless day for change...I screwed up on cooking a simple dish, screwed up on playing the piano, screwed up on looking for a job, screwed up on starting to write the story I always wanted to, screwed up on doing and brainstorming something up for a leader...Even screwed up on games and sleeping.

I wanted to talk to someone, tell someone how I feel right now, but then again, it's not about me. I shouldn't be bothering other people when they have their own troubles to take care of. I shouldn't be dampening their spirits when they are so happy with interacting with friends and enjoying their holidays or overseas trips. I shouldn't think of my own feelings and cast them to the back of my mind.

But maybe tonight I can finally hear from the King. He always speaks when I'm tired and completely out of options, with seemingly nowhere to turn to. I can always, always count on him even though I can't find solace in humans.

And I think I'm going to stop expecting people to talk to me despite what I've tried. Heck, it came to a point where books, other friends outside my immediate social circle and anime actually encouraged me more in one day than what I want in a week (Can't think that way...Deny myself).

Lesser expectations, lesser disappointment; Lesser hope, lesser hurt. It also means a bigger surprise when something good happens too, so I'll just give up and take a back seat in this department. Maybe I'm the one who's scaring people away, after all. Might be a plausible explanation why some of them open up to others so quickly while I still can't even talk properly with them after knowing them for 1-2 years. Might be a reason why it seems like no one wants to talk to me at all too. Who knows?

But still, I shall listen to the King. Tonight I'll vent my frustrations. I'll speak to Him, pour out my heart, because only He has the patience and enough love to care.

Hopefully, more people will care. Hopefully, when I'm finished with this, I'll be much stronger. Hopefully, I'm still on track to fulfil my goals and my visions.

Man fails, but God doesn't.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 7: Besieged.

And he knew no fury as ferocious as this, slamming time and time again into his walls, pounding upon the gates with such a vehemence that the most violent men seem docile in comparison. He knew no force so primal, so dark that it threatened to overwhelm him even before entering his gates. He knew no enemy as maddening as the taunting voices. He knew no despair as heavy as the desperate screams of its prisoners brought to the front.

Yet, he stood, though nary a time did he not sway like a willow tree in a forceful gale, threatening to collapse any moment.

Yet, he stood. For the roots of hope were still alive. For the branches were not separated from him, that his leaves would wither and his flowers die.

It would have been so much easier if he fell over and took a rest. For how many would take note of a fallen tree? How many of those who watered and admired the willow would remain, grieving for the loss? For the willow grew amongst cypresses and oaks and pines, and there were many more, many more to use, many more to admire.

Yet, he stood.

But for how long, how long could he stand, the willow that sought water? The willow that sought the warmth? Without the tears of heaven nor the warmth of the sun's rays, for how long will the darkness surround him?

Let the light come forth from within, and trust in it.

Fool

I really am one....Not realising that some insecurities I had were actually very valid.

I didn't even realise that what I was trying to do might actually be pushing people away from me.

I didn't realise that people might actually not want to talk to me at all.

I didn't realise that some people might see me as a nuisance.

I didn't realise that I was so...carnal and evil.

I didn't realise that I had so little improvement.

I didn't realise that I had so little revelation.

I didn't realise that I might already have lost when I went into the situation.

I didn't realise that I was so weak.

I didn't realise that many people don't actually care, even when they say they do.

Yet...

I didn't realise that I had that much hope before. At all.

I didn't realise that I had so many weaknesses that I have to change.

I didn't realise that I could still talk with people despite the insecurities.

I didn't realise that I might actually be much more successful than I thought I was in fighting the things that were trying to bring me down.

I didn't realise that I could actually begin sprouting words of wisdom.

I didn't realise that I was so keen to change that just a little lag would cause me to shed tears of frustration.

I didn't realise that I could still offer to help others, even though they aren't a part of my immediate social circle.

I didn't realise that I could regret about and keep trying to repent from dead works so quickly.

I didn't realise that I could sing better than I thought!

I didn't realise that I was able to converse relatively okay, even though I never felt like part of a circle.

I didn't realise that God was so powerful and caring.

I didn't realise that in the end, I'm still me.

Tonight, I'm still in a tizzy. But mayhap a conversation with the King might ease my soul.

Let me be a Fool for you, your Majesty.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 6

It really is harder than I thought.

Making changes, that is. No one ever said it was easy, but I never thought it would be as difficult as this. Setbacks coming one after the other, obstacles raining down like it was pouring cats and dogs...It's crazy.

But it does look like I have no patience after all. I don't know how, but need to stop comparing myself with others. It's getting tiring and irritating, and I have to stop ranting here or anywhere else. Makes me look weak. Makes me look needy.

Self-encouragement? Check. Resistance against negative voices? Check. Greater self-belief? Check.

Unfortunately, I think I need to keep doing more of those things, especially if I'm writing this right now.Seems like I'm not working hard enough. At times, it seems like it's never enough...Because of the threshold set there. But there's gotta be a way, somehow. Can't let things get to me like this. Although I love hearing words of concern and encouragement from people (like these past few days), I can't keep asking for that, and neither can I keep talking to people just like that. I don't want to bother them all the time. They have their own problems and the problems of others to take care of too.

Gotta be strong by myself....Somehow.

I can make it happen if I just believe.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 5

Faced my first real setback today.

Why real? Because it hurt really, really bad. And like Samson, like a fool, I realised that today I had been playing with fire. I had been stupidly careless with what was given to me.

No more.

Not when His presence feels so strong. Not when I'm finally, finally getting things right. It's amazing how even though it seemed that you had been struck by a curse, He is there immediately to lift you right back up.

It's an amazing thing really. Months ago, I wouldn't have believed it. I wouldn't have spoke so confidently with the reassurance that despite walking through the valley, I could res easy in the knowledge that my King would be my rod and staff.

I really need to read more of the Word since I can't remember where the verse came from except that it's Psalms. More importantly, what I derived from the rod and staff is this:

-The Rod is meant to beat your enemies away. After all, the King is my sheperd. Our sheperd.
-The Rod is also used to discipline. Maybe not so apt in the walk in the valley, but what happens if you keep doing dead works? Something must be done eventually to wake us up, and the Rod is used for such a time.

-The Staff is something for us to lean on, for support. When we tire, when we feel like we can't go on, when it feels like our legs are on the verge of collapsing, that our belief can no longer sustain us, the Staff appears right before us, and we can lean on it. We may stagger, but our King moves with us as we do, supporting us all the way.

-The Staff also serves to draw us back. When we get lost, when we lose the energy and wander off onto the wider path, it serves to prod us back gently onto the right path.

And that's why I begin to start feeling thankful. Even though I felt down, I believed...And He lifted me back up.

Even though I felt nauseous, I believed...And He healed me.

Even though I could hear the taunting voices again, urging me not to go, I spoke out against them and believed...And He casted them out of me. 

Even though I felt as though my beliefs were fading and my lack of confidence returning, I spoke out against them and believed...And He renewed my mind, my body and my heart.

And once again, I'm reminded of the good things He had done, of how much He has changed my life when I first came in, feeling a tad bit too sorry for myself and always holding a grudge against the world. I'm reminded of the effort I had put in, that everything was for the future. Even though the human mind could comprehend nary a thing, He knew.

And that....Is enough. Though two words could never be spoken enough ever to Him.

Thank you.

Entertaining Iridescence

Just watched an anime episode not too long ago. As I might have mentioned, I love to watch anime, especially stuff that elicits guffaws as well as strong emotions. To tell the truth, the first expectation of humor from Japanese animation is very believable, but sometimes people often look at the surface of things and dismiss this as being a something meant purely for entertainment.

It's true for everyone, I suppose. For one thing, I'm not a huge fan of idol dramas. I find some of the performances from the popular, young, handsome/beautiful celebrities lacked bite. To be brutally frank, they looked and felt wooden, even though I would acknowledge that they probably have done their best. Not every idol is like that though, and there could be underlying social messages as well as philosophies to be learned just by watching the show...If one isn't too busy gawking and swooning at the beautiful people.

Besides, who am I to say that I judge that they are always unsuitable for acting? Some of them might even go on to become great actors if their potential is developed properly. Never discount a rough diamond just because it doesn't look nice or good. That, of course, applies very much to people who aren't blessed with good looks or apparent talent at first glance. 

I happily digressed, yet again. Moving on, this is the anime that I want to talk about:

What does this poster tell you? Not much, really. Depending on your interpretation, it could even be seen as a generic love-triangle story dealing with two girls and the guy shown on the poster, with the gun as the slightest hint of action, albeit comedic, in the show.

That is, of course, until you see the producer.

Maeda Jun is the producer of this little wonder. As some anime fans might note, he is also the producer of super popular hits like Clannad, Air, and Kanon, where the last and first of the mentioned were given revamped shows even, roping in new followers like me.

Being a new follower doesn't mean I am BLIND, you see. Equating followership with blind worship is the worst thing you can do for your own image, because it damages your own credibility in the eyes of others, making people think you are too judgemental and critical. Maeda Jun's works are known to be emotional rollercoasters, taking you from vastly hilarious situations and characters to the more emotional aspect of the show, where he either throws a sudden and powerful emotional curveball at you or slowly dissects the tragic past of certain characters, letting you feel for the characters on a deeper level.

The music and ambience set by the animation team plays a huge part, but what I've heard from tonnes of sensible fans is that even the old games themselves (All visual novels, by the way) made them cry.

Does it sound ridiculous? The skeptic would think so, because they have never even thought of trying it out. Not that it's a sin, of course.

Angel Beats falls comfortably into Jun's category of emotional rollercoasters already, after just 6 episodes. While the premises sounds pretty generic about life after death and the synopsis promises that there will be a lot of gun-toting, barrels ablazing action, I was STILL pleasantly surprised by the deep emotional levels of certain scenes.

The concept of Nirvana can be considered here, of course, that when someone in that world does something they have always wanted to do when they lived, they feel contented and disappear from that world. It doesn't even feel like Jun hesitated in taking away one of the increasingly popular characters just like that in order to progress the story, unlike a certain anime that messes up its story because its fans clamored for a major character to return and whoop the ass of the hated protagonist.

Another thing that hit me was how everyone in that world died a tragic death. This was one of the main things to look forward to whenever I watch an episode: To know how they died and why. Yuri's (female protagonist) situation was so tragic that I actually had to suppress a shudder.

One more interesting fact about the anime is that there seems to be no clear-cut baddies in the show. The people who have tormented our "heroes" (hilariously stupid characters, if I may add) are actually not that bad. The recent one has a rather tragic past of his own as well, and while the conclusion of the episode may seem a little...strange in a sense, it was nonetheless an emotionally powerful scene.

I could go on ranting, but Need to stop here for a bit. Rushing off somewhere you see.

Till next time.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 4

In the midst of changing, sometimes we forget to look at things from an objective point of view.

I found this out not too long ago, though I should have done that years back. When you change or start changing and having a different mindset, there are people you seek to understand, but can't. You get frustrated, you get discouraged, and you feel like giving up, even though you want to be a part of their lives. Even though you want to understand them more so that you can really be friends or help that person.

Guess what? Sometimes they just don't want it, though inwardly they might need it.

Some people keep complaining to others that they feel lonely, that no one cares, that he/she feels left out. When it was suggested that they interact with certain people, they reject it for some reason they might not even be able to understand. When people try to care, they close up. When people keep quiet, either to let them solve the problem themselves or because they wanted to respect the wishes of that person, they are then accused (inwardly or outwardly) of being unfeeling, uncaring.

And some others would simply want to be left alone, despite showing that they were fine on the outside. Despite reassuring everyone that everything's okay,  they might be hurting inside. They might be thinking of resolving their problems on their own, without having to expose their own vulnerability to others. Sometimes it could be because of pride. Sometimes it could be because of past traumatic experiences that end up in betrayal and hurt.

Guess what? Many of us have been through the same experiences and felt the same thing, yet when our feet grew and we placed them in the soles of different shoes, we look at the old pair as being strange, weird and sometimes even disgusting. We also wonder what does it take for us to put ourselves back into those pair of shoes again and understand the situation better.

Many people, including me.

But the realization hit me hard when I was talking to a couple of people and when I did a retrospective on my thoughts and reactions. Different people have different needs and reactions. Most of all, they have a different level of relationship with you. While some friends might be all chummy with you on the outside, they might not actually really care about you or want you caring about them on a deeper level. Besides...

-Having similar experiences do not necessarily mean you feel the same emotions all the time. While it is true most for most cases that you feel the same emotions, it does not mean that both of you will experience the same things, i.e breakthroughs, hardships. The next time when we listen to someone, we should think before-like all the cool and spontaneous handsome dudes in TV shows who do this during an emotional scene that surprised the girl and find their way to their hearts-impulsively saying "I understand", because sometimes we really don't.

-Worrying and trying to help the group of people who wish to be left alone all the time is a recipe for disaster. Look at it this way: Who do we think we are? That is the question that would be asked by the people you want to help and even by the third party - the obervers - sometimes. We are not God. Worrying is not going to get us anywhere, and sometimes what we are doing is simply a nuisance to the person involved.

To be fair, it's really difficult to ascertain if a person really needs your help or not. Sometimes whatever you do might actually be detrimental instead, while at many other times your efforts will be appreciated by them. It's a delicate issue, more so when it comes to sensitive issues and how sensitive that person is to certain topics that involved his/her personal life.

Without any arrogance, I'd say that I love to help people, and am in the midst of finding out how not to be a nuisance and more importantly, how not to be callous. Difficult task, of course...As sometimes even I would look at the old pair of shoes differently.

Besides, as a friend had once told me, the Heart is what really matters. If you really care and love that person, he/she will definitely feel it.

And I'm sure of it, that despite making mistakes along the way, my intentions were and still are pure.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Interlude (I)

Darn it....Now I've gotten sore throat and sore eyes.

The sore throat's gotten a little better, but I'd have to see how it's going to be before doing anything else. Like practising my singing in the shower again. Nasty little habit, especially when I take late showers. ^^'''

Besides that, recently it seems like many, many people around me are struggling with their emotions, their problems, their insecurities. Just as I had before this, when I suffered what I considered to be a crisis of faith.

I'm very much fine, of course, and determined to keep going strong...But the next question is: Can I help these people with whatever they are facing, especially when some of their emotions and problems were so similar to mine? Not sure if this is the time to do that, especially when I'm still building up my faith level.

Besides, certain things can be resolved through time. As the adage goes, time heals all wounds. Not exactly true, but close enough. Besides, most of the people I'm thinking about right now have the King as their sovereign. Surely nothing is too great that the one over their lives can't do anything.

So I guess I'll just pray and keep being a friend; Provide a listening ear whenever they feel comfortable to share, and simply just being there to encourage or comfort them. In all this, I shall not worry, for eventually things will turn out fine as long as there is belief. If they need help, then I will be there.

I want to be there, especially if the King has prompted my heart to do so, regardless of the rejection I might face. Just to do my best to help and let Him do the rest.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 3

Something's wrong. Physically wrong, I mean. I'm suddenly feeling some soreness in my throat and eyes. Was this perhaps the start of something that was designed to wear me down again?

It probably was. Had a relatively rotten time serving today in church. The seats-an entire row-were given up just like that. Taking up the position of the Refuser ("area-is-closed-sorry-go-somewhere-else" guy) had be stuck at a position and if I ever inched away from it, it would be considered a dereliction of duty and you would be thrown out of ministry.

........Nah, just kidding.

But basically, I really couldn't move much to check. Then there were the beloved congregation. It's fine to just go up ignoring you, it's another to have them lie to you, then have your fellow ushers (thank God for them) come down and tell you that many of those had a phantom cell group on the terraces.

I really, really felt cheated. First time back in a long time, ready to go all out, ready to do what I can to prep myself up for THE big event, and this happens?

But as the sermon says, we gotta love. And love I did tried. Succeeded somewhat though, because I've forgiven them only after service ended and thought about what Pastor said. And the Presence was so strong that I'm convinced the people who had lied to me for various reasons (overly eager to get seats, irritated that they have to wait till the terraces are open, for convenience etc.) had received the message in full. If they didn't....Well, not my responsibility. It's their decision to make, after all.

Besides, in the midst of all that nastiness you experience when serving in ministry, (*COMPLAINT ALERT: Please, PLEASE don't ever say you understand or put down ministry people UNLESS YOU'VE SERVED IN ONE BEFORE. It IRRITATES THE HECK OUT OF ME, as one friend can testify) there are always people who are very, very understanding. Despite looking harried and extremely irritated (got offended, I believe), once you explain things and talk nicely to them instead of treating them like "just another member of the church", you realise that they ARE understanding and ARE nice people.

And why let such a silly thing bring down the mood? It's Mother's Day! The one day to celebrate our beloved moms who have done everything they could to make sure we live a good, fruitful life. The time where you see heartwarming scenes of parent and child (in some cases, family)  going for a simple dinner or just walking around, window shopping. The time where you see bakeries lined up with assortments of cakes, all catering to the occasion and the special person on this day.

Thing is, we should be making this person special every day. Make her feel special. Make her feel loved. Make her feel like all that she has done is meaningful and you're thankful for it. No matter the way you display your feelings, it's the heart that really matters. It's just like the rich people who threw money in for the tithes and the poor widow who put in ALL her two mites - It's a heart thing.

And today, I've finally began trying to cook some veggies. WOOHOO! Simple stuff, really, but I feel like I've finally taken one tiny step out of my comfort zone.

Guess what? I feel like taking more. Exploring more. Improving more. Upgrading more. Then becoming a better person, a person strong enough to handle the burdens that come to me and take them in stride. A Man....of some sorts.

Now, if only I can get a freelancing writer job...Haha...

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 2

Okay, I admit...I did lose focus.

But more importantly, I managed to regain it almost straight away. After all, when the King leaves a deep impression on you, He leaves it really, really deep.

I feel like a changed man once I set the focus right...Or at least I think I did. Or am doing. Whatever it is, it's definitely fine, because the approval's from Him. And as I've learned, it's good enough.

For the people who intended to give me good advice and I seem stubborn, I apologize. That was the part of my personality at work, and it seems to have fled in the presence of the King (Thanks, anonymous tagger. I really owe you one). I learned that apologizing is always good too, especially when you know you are really in the wrong.

But enough of that. I've moved on from self-blame to self reflection, and that is sufficient. Service was good today, and while there are no concrete changes yet, certain tools have returned (Yay for Hangeul textbook! =D ), with which I can finally start part of my action plan to change and focus, focus and change.

Sounds contradictory, but trust me, it isn't. It finally feels like I know what I'm doing and what the King is doing for my life....And despite a few minor setbacks, I'm going to surge forward. Planning my breaks in between and looking at the people egging me on, be it in silence or audibly.

Well, at least I hope the planning is done well. What to do...As the mantra goes, do my best and let the King do the rest. Even for the ever elusive job/internship.

So...Anyone want to teach me or learn Hangeul/Cycling/Driving with me? =)

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 1

The first times are always the hardest, as I recall hearing or reading.

Ever since the mindset has been slowly renewed once again-though this time prompting me more than ever before the take action-, Negativity's grasp is wrenched away from the heart and it is dragged away, kicking and screaming, into the depths of oblivion, roaring its frustration with expletives and threats of a even mightier comeback that spoke of the complete consumption of the mind and heart.

While the victorious laugh and celebrate, his wisdom tells him that the victory will not last, not especially if he is living as a human being.

No, it will not last in the sense of it returning. Like the germs that permeate our skin every day whenever we head out for a dinner with loved ones or taking full advantage of the night's youth by clubbing away, it will always return.

I'm almost not surprised that it came back so quickly, but at least I remembered that I had to guard my heart, or else it would break through and destroy.

Bad thing is, it DID get past my defences. Good thing is, the attrition lasted for the shortest time ever in my entire history of fighting it. Last time, like the despondent monarch, I would blame my subjects and guards for letting them through and get rid of them or wallow in self-despair and drown myself in alcohol (in a figurative sense, so don't get your nerves in a bunch). But now, it feels like I'm either throwing more guards at the garrisons or simply reviewing the various policies of what I could do to make sure this does not happen again.

It IS difficult, because sometimes my mind would wander off and think depressing thoughts. Sometimes I look in the mirror and the mocking voices return a little, attempting to creep into my mind by the back door that I unceremoniously shut in their faces. Sometimes I wonder if I stand a chance at all in things that, by common sense, seemed impossible.

But like what a friend has told me through encouragement and a patient approach, it is most certainly difficult and I do have a huge disadvantage, but it is certainly NOT IMPOSSIBLE. 

Sometimes I marvel at the images shown to me at such times. In Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, where the Rohan people together with the Heroic Trio (Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas) were trapped with the cave mouths facing their backs. King Theoden felt the situation was somewhat hopeless and was almost ready to give up. Like a madman-as defined by common sense, since rushing at hordes of orcs is crazy-, Aragorn disagreed and charged out.

What were they rewarded by, for their supposedly misplaced hope? Gandalf the White, in all his glory on the white horse Shadowfax, glowing like a beacon of light through the rays of the rising sun. And there came with him the Rohirrim, who snatched victory back.

It's a wonder how the King speaks to you sometimes. You can never expect Him to keep doing something in the same way, because He loves new things.

And because of that, even though I'm not very successful today (and had a good job opportunity vanish just like that), I will keep believing that I can be successful tomorrow. That I can be successful the day after, and the next, and the next...Till even I can see the change in myself so clearly that I would no longer need to compare to the people close to me. That I know my prayers will be answered, according to His will.

And I think I shall go and watch that scene again sometime soon. Never hurts to imprint something so inspiring into your mind permanently and more clearly, does it?

Focusing Iridescence

My focus was wrong, after all.

I have been thinking about it for the past few weeks, grappling with the concept that one thing must come after the other. So silly, right? In the story, even the littlest child would know that the story must have a beginning before reaching its climax and conclusion. You can't jumble the order up, or else the story would seem weird at best and a terrible waste of paper and ink at worse.

I still think I did almost irrversible damage by "complaining" on various mediums. After all, who likes to listen to the "complaints" of someone else? I think that too, just that the console controls went flying out of my hands at that moment and things went crazy. But what could I have done? Lots, of course, as people would tell me. Yet it's easier said than done to "just" make a choice.

But that's not the point. The thing is, I lost focus of what was really important and what should have came first. And I only have myself to blame for it, no matter how silent it felt around me. In the end, I had to take responsibility for myself...Which I didn't.

Had a good talk with a friend today and it took the burden off my shoulders mostly. The next thing I have to do is again, easier said than done, but it was something that I found out (with the help of the few people who really cared enough to listen and ask), and it was something that I somehow had progress in, even though I didn't realise it.

Change.

I had no idea at all that other people were looking at me in a different light till I started talking. Till someone actually started to encourage me and show me things that I could not see because I had magnified the problems a thousandfold. I had zoomed in to an infected area of the wound without realising that the skin and flesh around it was actually healing.

Do I blame the people who kept silent all the way even though I had hoped they would say something? No. They had their own problems. They were busy with their own lives. They were busy with the lives of other people as well who took priority. Who am I to judge them? In fact, I'd think I rather want to apologize to any person who thinks I'm talking about him or her.

By the same token, I really hope that you would not judge me as well. I have my own problems, my own desires. I have that group of people I want to take care of as well. This enabled me to realise two things:

(1) It's impossible, no matter how pure your intentions, to help everyone. You'll either hit brick walls erected around them or just die from exhaustion (unless the King gives you the strength).

(2) As much as I've been talking about myself, I failed to see past the magnified problem about the other issues other people have in their lives, and that I might not even figure on the bottom item of their priority list, because they really have lots of things to settle. For that, I'm really sorry.

I'm still uncertain whether I can consistently keep this up, but one thing I know is that the comparisons must become a thing of the past. My complaints must become a thing of the past to be buried and forgotten. If others can't forget, it's fine. I have Short Term Memory.

And then I can begin on focusing more on the King's promises one at a time and change.

To be a better man.

The paradox of Hope

Recent times have made me wonder...How did I end up in dilemmas like those that had been tormenting me for the past few weeks? How was it that I had suffered less last time and was tormented for a lesser time?

I still remembered the good-subjective, really-old days in primary, secondary and JC days where boys will be boys. Always playing around, making a fool of ourselves and laughing our heads off at stupid things. Certain things would be different due to the upbringing or circumstances in different schools then. Being in neighbourhood schools most of my life gave me a gloomier uptake on certain things when I was being compared to my peers. "Hey, I'm in Anderson JC currently." "Have you heard, her son is going to RJC!" "Wow, isn't the school she's going to quite prestigious?" "I didn't know he was in ACJC. Atas sia..."

Yeah, those are the kind of comparisons you hear many times. I guess it justifies why some people really have a huge sense of inferiority at times.

But that's not the point (Ahh...Good old Exel...digressing again). Point is, while some ACJC or RJC people might be talking about quantum physics or how to earn loads of money by being a stockbroker, I spent many days together with my friends oogling at pretty ladies and cracking perverted jokes, sometimes talking about our misadventures with the teachers and boasting about how we managed to climb out of the front gate Metal Gear Solid style, only to discover that there had ALWAYS been a camera fixed to those places.

Sometimes I really think those were fun times. Though they didn't last, but at least it gave me a sense of belonging.

And most of all, being the 'brothers' we were, we talked about our own crushes.

Okay, if you've at least gone to JC or Poly and don't know what the heck I'm talking about, then you're a liar. Unless you chose to isolate yourself so deeply that the only other thing that saw your facial expressions were your lecture notes and readings. Ladies (if anyone that's a lady actually reads this pile of trash), if you're surprised, then I suggest you talk to more guy friends and get to know the guy world a little, especially if you are attached or are looking to get attached. Always good to understand simple-minded creatures first, no?

And yeah, we talk about them. Sometimes we go off in our own little world, talking about how wonderful she is. About how she's the most beautiful thing next to the graduation certificates or magnificent O/A level result slips. About how her laugh was the sweetest melody we've heard aside from the school bell signaling the end of yet another boring lesson or day. About how the way she smiles simply makes our hearts melt like ice-cream on a dastardly hot and lazy afternoon. About how enchanting her eyes were. About how....

You get my drift.

As much as girls love to gush about their idol boybands or subjectively handsome guys that threaten to suffocate them (a.k.a take their breath away), guys like to do it too. Sometimes. Aside from the ultimate studious student, the only other group would probably be thos who were immediately (and unfairly) blessed with good looks and a charismatic air around them.

Oops, digressed again. The real me's coming back slowly, at least.

And because of all that talk, teasing and encouragement between brothers (some helpful enough to even suggest getting you two alone somehow), we start to hope. We start to think that despite all our reservations (Not handsome enough, not macho enough, not sporty enough, not studious enough, not talented enough, not cocky enough) that somehow, our heart was all that matters.

Till you realise that the situation's against you like a nemesis. She's surrounded by friends. She knows so many good looking guys. She knows so many charismatic people who are humorous even when they don't try or could at least hold their interest for more than five minutes. By her own standards, there are always 'rivals' around her, and each of them unofficially form a wall around her, blocking you out, until one section of the wall emerges with her out of the barricade while you look on like an idiot.

And that was the time where I gave up and let go quickly. Hey, it's just me, right? No promises made to me by a matchmaker. No pressures to get a girlfriend anyway.

DIGRESSION: Which reminds me of something...I had been close before with purely my heart and silly, slapstick jokes, but irrevocably had to give her up because of my principles. To put it bluntly, I didn't want to be the one to cause a break-up in a relationship that seemed rocky at that time.

Then I give up hope quickly. No one to really support me. Those 'brothers' could only console me, because I knew there was nothing they could do as well. After that, going to play some crazy soccer games or doing my smashing drills (stunned my coach and junior so badly that the former kept silent throughout that session and the latter was....just scared. He was on the receiving end of my smashing) to take things off my mind. Mugging works too, especially when exams were near.

But herein lies the paradox.

I have been given hope once again by my King. Hope in many things. Hope that I can somehow break out of my ugly duckling and turn into the swan I've almost wanted to be. Hope that I can finally step out of the shadow of my....close peers and be a unique individual. Hope that I can finally, finally fully utilised the enormous potential within, that sometimes people tell me it's a waste for it to lie...dormant.

Hope that after all those changes, I can finally fulfill my deepest desires.

And things happened. Good and bad. I started to see a change in myself, though a little too slowly for my liking. I started to have really bad stuff happening too. Doubt flooded in via insecurities and sometimes the people around me were the unwitting mediums. All at once, I felt hope slipping away and there was nothing I could do about it.

But then this time, there was a promise. Something that was shown to me so many times that even though I had my doubts, I still believed. I found that I could still hang on and found refreshment in my King. The circumstances, the people, the mocking voices of doubt came in again and I stumbled. But this time, there's always the thread of Hope to grab hold of.

'Bite and cling on like a little dog' Was what a pastor said. I'm doing that...But when your rival(s) are people you actually respect and want them to be happy, how about yourself? Will you be seen as being self-centered if all you wanted was your own happiness? How could one even hope to do something like that when he doesn't even feel like part of the family still, where people care for and love one another?

But my King still says I can have what I want. He still gives me that hope, especially when I slumber, where my imagination is at its best and his voice is at its clearest. Sometimes the dream felt so vivid that when I woke up, it almost felt as though that the waking up was part of the dream itself!

Basically, I don't want to give up, but it's causing me to suffer badly from inner struggles. And when I feel like doing that and just asking-no, pleading my King for confirmation before I slip towards the end of my line, He always provides the confirmation and comfort.

Maybe this really is a real onslaught from the Enemy and I have to withstand it, even if he uses my King's people against me in a manner only I can understand. Even if he uses my friends against me. Even if he uses Tsoon Liang of The Past against Exel of The Future.

Battle, battle and battle. Like I said, my heart still hurts, but I can only choose to look forward and keep trying, because this time my King is really for me.