Rather interesting day today.
Not to say that I wasn't grateful for the birthday wishes and happy that for the people who received their release and water baptism, but it really was a pretty interesting day today.
Changing your mindset can be real hard, I found, but not entirely impossible. It's like changing to a different brand of clothes as compared to the one you were more comfortable with all the while. Not easy, but possible. Trying that today earned me lessons that I would never have learned in any of the schools I've been to thus far. No one really taught me how to carry myself in a conversation. No one really told me how blessed they were to have me as a friend (except for my help in language, which I remembered was voluntary). No one really gave me hope when I despaired over grades.
Back then, no one really did that much.
But now, I learned lessons about how to carry myself. Lessons on self-control. Lessons on being more active in 'fighting' and doing what I should do. Lessons on disciplining many aspects of myself and letting other areas flow freely in creativity.
Still wish I could talk more and be more interesting. Despite the lack of smiles still apparent, there seems to be improvement. At least I could talk freely to people now. At least I won't feel like an idiot when people don't respond sometimes. It's because I speak too softly or some kind of newfound language that no one but me and the King understands.
Seriously gotta learn to speak more clearly without being Jay Chou-ish.
More importantly, watching A Walk to Remember (At least, some of it...Wanna finish it!!!! >_<) at Elvin's house gave me yet another important lesson pertaining to the season I'm going through.
The protagonist experiences a metamorphosis after meeting this girl, and he changes so much for her, turning from a popular pseudo-jock into a guy who's willing to make himself work hard, take suggestions he previously ignored, do surprising things and become much more decent, all just for the girl.
Sometimes I see myself in him. Sometimes I see others in him. Like how someone, or something urges us so much to want to change, that we really do change. But when I look at myself as I am, I began to wonder: Who am I really changing for?
Was it for myself? Was it for someone else? Was it for everyone? Was it for the King? I looked at the progress I made and felt foolish. It has been barely a month, and there's so little continuous progress.
in the midst of all that turmoil and chaos previously, I had forgotten the reason(s) for changing, sometimes even turning them into the culprits for the trials I was facing. But the shame is over...The self-condemnation is over. While I might (and most probably will) stumble along the way, I will not fall....Because the King is there to help me back up again. Because there are people who silently supported me, like one of the short stories in a previous post had emphasized. (Kinda silly I forgot about that earlier. Haha.) Because....I need to change.
For something. For the someone(s) in my life. For myself.
For the King.
"Knowing the situation is being the car's technician. Wanting to change is the ignition key, and taking action is stepping on the gas pedal and the brakes at the appropriate times."
~ Exel
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