I can't help but think...Does it really take something drastic before someone else notices?
Look at September 11. It took something that huge to draw the world's attention more closely towards terrorism. It was then that anti-terrorist measures were taken and implemented so quickly you would have thought red-tape (bureaucracy) was but a silly story meant to scare children.
Likewise, it takes a Korean couple playing an online game simulating parenthood for three days, resulting in their own baby starving to death that finally sparked a response from the government to clamp down on online gaming. Though a prevalent part of their cyber-culture, the problems of addiction were very, very real then.
My question is this....Does it really take a drastic event before we can notice the people that we normally cast aside because of their differences? Because of their quietness? Because of their lack of ability to interact "normally" like everyone else?
I can't help but compare my present circumstances to the times when I got injuries. Throughout my badminton training days, I hardly hear words of encouragement except from a few people (one of them who was particularly good but then went to SBA due to his exceptonal skills). What I received from my coach was basically what he would tell every player.
The days of training were fun, but I had my fair share of darker times. At times I felt so lonely that I would disappear as soon as the training time was up. At other times, I maintained an impassive face for as long as I could, struggling to hold in my frustrations and tears. Sometimes they burst out, and people started seeing me as a spitfire not to be associated with too closely. Except for a few.
But then, that was understandable. They were all trying to make the mark and get into the first-team. For those already in, there wasn't much need to worry too much about others and concentrate on improvement. Except. For.A. Few.
And it so happened once that I gt injured. Sprained my ankle badly. THEN the flood of concern started coming in. At one point it felt like some god had heard my prayer at that time and I almost cried. I hoped that this feeling would last, that I could make more friends through such an incident.
No such luck.
Then, in my army days, it got worse. I partially tore a cruciate knee ligament due to excessive exercise. THAT really crushed me. It meant that I could no longer be combat fit. It meant that I could no longer run and exercise with gusto like I used to. It meant that I was forever marked with a deficiency in the very area that I supposedly excelled in as compared to some people.
And then I suddenly felt like my family cared, when none of them came to see me off at Tekong. When everyone was celebrating and taking pictures with their families, girlfriends and friends at the parade square when we POPed (Mom and an aunt did come, but in the end it was when my officer ACTUALLY came and asked me if I had anyone coming down to see me at the parade square, and I left the place in bitter disappointment only did I manage to see them). Suddenly I was the delicate vase they just bought.
Suddenly my friends began asking what had happened when I posted a status update on MSN. And even then, they were few and far between. And suddenly my brother began to care much more, even bringing two cellgroup members to reach out to me.
I felt immensely happy, of course. "Finally...After so long, someone genuinely cares. After so long, it finally feels like I have people who showed themselves to be good friends. After so long, it finally seems like I was worth SOMETHING in the eyes of my friends and family."
No such luck. Even though this eventually led me to my King, but the feeling persisted like a bug. The feelings of concern faded as soon as I could start walking on my own with just a slight limp. (Of course, when I first entered cellgroup, it was still there, but somehow the feeling faded after half a year, making me feel like a statue, the unwitting eavesdropper on the conversations of people)
Then there was the biking outing I had some time back. Slipped and fell with a substantial amount of blood drawn by the dastardly road. And suddenly I found myself flooded again, though experience told me not to make too much out of it. Still, emotions went against the reasoning and I found myself hoping again that even though I'm supposed to be some sort of an example for younger members, that I would find some support and encouragement from them. From the new friends I make everytime I enter into a new season of my life.
Fat hope. Not obese though, because a few still do genuinely care.
So I'm wondering right now, as I trudge through the sands of disappointment (In a desert, remember?), as I taste the sand grains in my mouth while floundering through a sandstorm, as I slam my fists into the sand and cry out in disappointment and yet another mirage, does it take an event where I've sunk into the quicksand at chest level before someone cares enough to help?
Or is this once again the doing of my King, who wants me to grow stronger alone?
How about the few people who do care? Well, there's this conflict. You want help, but you don't want to burden them. Kapeesh? They have enough burdens on their plates. Other people who probably need more help than you. Just as there are always people better than you, there are always people who are worse off than you.
And then I wonder...Have I been guilty of the same thing that I've bitterly accused others of? I have, and I tried to care more. Instead, it felt like my concern wasn't needed. They wanted someone else, someone who could do more than be a listening ear. Someone who could make things happen. Someone more interesting. Someone more talented and able.
Damn if I do, damn if I don't. On both sides. And you wonder why I always seem to be fighting something.
And somewhere along that line, the maximum level of my hope just seems to drop over time. Disappointments can be really damaging. Like it is said: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
Is the longing to be closer to everyone really that hard to fulfill? To be someone strong enough to help others overcome their problems? To have more friends? To experience the love that was promised to me at the very beginning when I first came to know my King? To be ready for a relationship? Is it wrong? Is it that difficult?
I realise I sound very, very bitter about this, and I want to get rid of it, but some things just take two hands to clap.
And for some time, that other hand has been missing for a long time.
Where are you.....?
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