Fears...confirmed...?

It felt like my worst fears were confirmed.

Was it that terrible? Perhaps not. It isn't a life-and-death situation, but it was bad enough after the emotional and spiritual battering I took. A mammoth effort was required to climb out of that situation and even now I have to stave off the feeling of numbness. It was only the momentary interactions with certain people that got me back on track and gave my drying bones some moisture to carry on.

But again, yet another confirmation. I have no idea whatsoever how to deal with this issue now because it probably involves people close to me and my emotions. Which would I give up?

That question might be redundant actually, mainly for two reasons: (1) these so-called worst fears could well be a figment of my wild, unbridled imagination or (2) I would simply give the whole thing up because I always do it, thinking that the other parties involved would be happier that way. After all, they deserve more than what I can offer. After all, there was no interest in the first place, and I could well be chasing after dust clouds.

Maybe? I don't know. Sometimes I don't want to know, but the signs are there. Sometimes I unintentionally discover them, but  but I think I'll just try my best again and keep praying, especially if the vision becomes clearer and the meanings more understandable.

Another more interesting (and very troubling) pattern I see forming here is how every time I just recovered from a major blow or an assault on my confidence, something else immediately comes in and tries to break me apart, piece by piece until the process becomes irreversible.

Unbelievable, right? I mean, wha's this about difficulties and challenges coming in fast and furious as though they have a mind of their own? Sometimes even I think I'm delusional, but the pattern is just too familiar. The only times when bad things come one at a time is when I utterly and completely fail at recovering at all and stay stagnant.

Is this the desert I'm facing right now? The heat emanating from the sand that's enough to kill people and the lack of water, with its lion's share of mirages that appear to lead you somewhere, then crush your dreams and hopes utterly, where sandstorms are whipped up as often as great meals are in popular restaurants, clouding your judgment and direction?

So then...What do I do in the meantime? How do I hold on to something that seems so far away despite being near at times? Has this turned into a competition of sorts or am I just being delusional, thinking that everything, EVERYTHING was but a figment of my imagination?

I really need some clear answers....But I'll ask nicely. Definitely. Rudeness and disrespect gets me nowhere.

And then there was Moses and the Israelites. Perhaps I'm experiencing something similar here, and my King hopes that I can weather everything thrown at me so I can reach the Promised Land. In my case, it is the fulfilment of my two wonderful dreams and visions.

I hope so too, but as Elijah had, sometimes I think I need to rest....