Change of name

Why the change, you ask? Simple.

I'm in the time of a war. With the Enemy. With myself. Where my spiritual man is grappling with common sense. Where the Spirit is locked in a struggle with the Enemy, with neither side wanting to give way. When one does, the other gains ground, but immediately is fought back and they are back at the same spot in no man's land again.

Sounds very grand, doesn't it? Sounds very egoistical too, and that's fine by me, because it's as close to the truth as I would care to reveal. If you understand, all the better. If you don't, keep your comments to yourself if they are not going to be constructive (not that ANYONE has ever commented XD ) and we should get along very, very well.

Besides, it feels like a season of battle for me. Everything I have been doing so far is to fight. Fight against the negative emotions always threatening to bring me down. Fighting up to the level where I can actually be closer to the people who are way ahead of me in various things. Fighting to be a greater and better influence in people's lives. Fighting the urge to back down from the visions and dreams that seemed so impossibly hopeless. Fighting to stave off that lonely feeling whenever I see people talking happily together at lunchtime while I faced a wall and ate my Yong Tau Foo silently, or when almost no one seems to notice I'm there.

But my King is still here, there, everywhere for me. I feel terribly alone, like a man against several giants, like a token platoon holed up in a small keep, ready to defend against hordes of armies that make jungle army ants seem tame in comparison, with no way to get across to my allies (if any).

But my King is there, providing me with the sword to slay the giants. Providing me with the weapons and courage constantly (for it understandably fails many times in the face of overwhelming odds). Providing divine aid even and always refreshing me.

Even so, sometimes I wonder if some of my friends are friends only when we meet. It's sad, but I have to admit to using Facebook for status updates frequently to tell my friends how I'm feeling. That's the magic of Social Networking Sites, you see, that you can always tell others what's going on in your life without the phone call.

But where I wanted to receive help, I found none. Most of the time.

I understand...You guys are all busy with your stuff. You have your own problems to deal with too, so why add more onto your plate? I wouldn't want that either, to burden others with my own problems.

So the answer? Attempt to maintain a good appearance while fighting my inner battles together with my King.

If I can't get support from friends, if I can't get intercessors (which sometimes makes me selfishly wonder occasionally whether friends actually remembered me at all to pray for me), then I'll do my best and let my King take care of the rest.

Speaking of rest, I'm going to learn more on resting at appropriate times too, so I won't tire out. 

Besides, it's not like I've been thrown aside completely. There are some - if a few - people who help. Who - like me - feel that giving edification or encouragement out of the blue isn't weird or stupid as long as it's sincere. 

Or maybe they just aren't interested. Or maybe they think I'm strong enough to take on things alone.

Sorry to disappoint, but I'm a human. =)

And as humans go, I'll just do what I can. Victory lies in the hands of the King and I shall FIGHT to get it.