I'm sorry.
I wonder if apologizing all the time could help me feel a little less ashamed, a little less foolish, a little less stupid, a little less guilty. I wonder if just apologizing could undo all the damage I've done to other people and myself.
Fat chance.Wars nor terrorism wouldn't even be in the dictionary if that was all that's needed.
But I'm sorry all the same, and hope that everyone I've ever talked or even thought of badly these past few hellish days can find it in their hearts to forgive me, especially if they know that I'm talking about them. Once again, I've let things spiral out of control and the chaos within overwhelmed me like never before. The things I've said in what is now a non-existent post were largely borne from impulse, but I would not even deny that it was my own fault for allowing the insanity to take over, for magnifying the problems over my King.
I'm sorry.
Never considering the feelings of others, never considering what they were thinking, never even considering that they were innocent parties and just playing the hypocritical role of a victim, becoming one of the very things I abhor...I really have fallen. Hard. No matter I felt silence from the King for so long this time.
When was it that I let the Darkness devour me? Had it been before that, that it threw everything evil and carnal that resided in the dark recesses of my heart? I didn't even realise it!
In fact, the King has probably given me warning signs, but I failed to heed them throughout, and this is what happens when anyone follows the counsel of fools - mostly in a figurative sense, of course. Now I look stupid and foolish to everyone. To myself, going around in circles no one else can see, circles that even weren't meant to be.
....Hey, at least that rhymes.
Guilt and shame sets in after that, and I'm sorry to the King. To myself at the very end. But because it is the King, because I still manage to retain the tiniest bit of control, because I cried out to Him repeatedly, He gave me Jeremiah 31:37.
Emotions started flooding in where a drought of numbness once was and He spoke once more, with that still, small voice, ever so comforting, encouraging, forgiving. And I was simply overwhelmed. The Darkness was overwhelmed and swept away, it's cries of outrage surprisingly silent against the waters He provided. Like His righteous anger, He casted out the enemies and set me upon a boat that brought me only safety.
I'm still somewhat numb today, even tonight, but He never told me everything was going to fine immediately. Sometimes some things really do need a process.
Especially the wounds I have. Especially the promises He has given me.
I'm sorry, everyone....
And Thank you.
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