왜? 왜? 왜 요...?

This feeling....I think I'm going off track again.

I need to get back on, but first to express some thoughts, else they will all burst forth like the ash and lava from Katla, so abrupt and devastating.

Even after receiving comfort, sometimes I feel like there's something missing still....Even more so when I return to my humble abode.

Even after receiving reassurance from my King, sometimes I feel like I....am still not really needed. Sometimes I still wonder if people will really miss me if preachy, boring and socially inept Exel suddenly disappears (No, not via the Rapture, because it isn't the Last Days yet) for some particular reason.

If I did a face change...Would people know me for who I am? Would people try to talk and get close to me more because of my external features? Would I receive edification from more people because I look more approachable, and more encouragement because of the same factor?

If I somehow managed to be more jovial, would I make more friends more easily? Would I, then, no longer need to suffer this terribly childish desire of always needing companionship and love, something that I had deprived myself of for so many years? Was it wrong for a 22 year-old to want that feeling again? Was it?

You know, despite all that Pastor has said that encouraged me and lifted my failing spirit (At a point so low that I felt it was the same me back in JC days), those thoughts came all crashing down on me again like an immense tsunami, threatening to sweep any linger words of encouragement and feelings of happiness away. I sometimes wonder if, like he said, that I would have to suffer this for the rest of my life...Always doubting, always frustrated, always failing and failing and failing again (and thankfully always standing up, even if I stagger at times), always...in need.

 And at one point, I wonder if I'm wandering through my desert right now, looking for water. Seeing an oasis but upon reaching it, finds out it is but a mirage, sapping me of my hope and dreams over and over again.

And then there's the thought: What if some of those waterholes aren't for me? What if the dream and vision I had, so vivid, feeling so real could not come to pass? Why then, was I given them? Was it because of my stupidly powerful imagination?

What if I'm fated to wander in the desert, always needing my character to be moulded into as perfect a vessel as possible and my dreams and visions pass me by because I wasn't good or strong enough at that time? 

Why Couldn't I just stand firm? Why couldn't I just stop all this and be "strong"? (Incidentally, I believe strength doesn't come from not admitting your faults, but being able to confess and try to make changes to them) Why couldn't I just believe?!?

왜...? 왜...? 왜 요?!