I'm going to start writing. And writing. and writing. Each time, it's going to be non-stop, so the posts will be rather long at times. There is still a tendency to stop now and then to think about what I want to write, but the book has told me to unleash it all. Whatever thoughts I have, whatever things I have in mind...Without fear of rejection or fear of being crappy, this is what it's meant to write. Perhaps then my block will be destroyed. Perhaps then my worries will fade, and the visions come on even stronger than before.
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Journey
There are times where I really feel like I want to go on a journey. To somewhere far away where no one knew me, where no one knew where I was. The ideal place would, of course, be the places I had always wanted to go - Somewhere where there are clear blue skies as though the colors were painted on a canvas by a masterstroke, or somewhere where I could look down at the world from a high place and shout out my frustrations, scream out my anger, cry out my sadness and cheer out my joy.
And sometimes, the things in this world get you very, very down. Sometimes you just want to leave the situation you are in, take a long, long breather and come back into it again without fighting it all the time. Who knows? Just going somewhere different might change your mindset. It might change your viewpoint and even your personality too, cleaning you of the darker parts and sweeping everything away.
It sounds so fantastic at times, just like in the movies or shows we watch, where the protagonist leaves his hometown because of some trauma, some failure in relationships with his girlfriend, some great disappointment, goes somewhere else totally unexpected and receives surprising blessings. He gets healed of the trauma in his body. Some get into a new and wonderful relationship with a new girl, while others get inspired in different areas to do different things, somehow finding a new purpose in life and looking at the world for all the small blessings it contained, instead of all the sadness and insanity it causes.
But I'm starting to think it's true. In fact, our life is already a journey, though that's only figuratively. The only thing is whether we choose to get onto different railway tracks during this trip. Will we want to keep looking at the same scenery because we choose to be in the passenger seat rather than the train operator, who chooses when to break track and change?
That's why I do envy birds. Although they are lightweight and have to engage in the survival-of-the-fittest game all the time, only having their instincts and natural abilities to aid them, they get to fly. They get to soar above the grandiose civilizations of human beings, being able to literally see from a bird's-eye view everything that's beneath them. They can choose to move wherever they wanted, flying to different places in the world, seeing different things, seeing different people, experiencing different events. If they ever had that single bit of intellect that allowed them to think and speak and the emotions to feel for themselves, how well-traveled they would be! How happy they would be, always experiencing changes, always looking and experiencing new things!
If only I could be like that. But more than that, I wanted to fly, far, far away. Perhaps fly to the most picturesque place I could see in the blink of an eye. Sometimes I even dream of flying to God's arms. I would dream so vividly of taking his hand and weeping openly like a baby at the wrongs I have done, and then at the love and compassion he showed so freely just so I could feel better and more encouraged.
There are also times where I dreamed that I was going on a trip with the one always on my mind, holding her hand, with our hands linked and sometimes our eyes speaking with each other. Sometimes a smile or two would appear, and understanding passes through both pairs of eyes so easily that it felt as though we were totally secure and comfortable in each other's company.
There were times where I do wish it was a journey to a majestic place, though, where I can just shout everything out to the world and unleash my anger, my frustration and my tears at the highest mountain on the highest peak, beating my fists into the solid rock that made up the place and crying and crying and crying till an avalanche occurs, or till the sky cries with me. There are moments where I feel like I'd just climbed a mountain and give the longest whoop of victory I had ever shouted, then bask in the beauty of the snow-covered peaks that seemed so radiant to me as sunlight gets reflected off it.
Currently, though, I do feel like going on a long, long journey. Going somewhere far away where no one really knows where I'm going. It might be unfair to the people who love me, but sometimes I would wonder...Would they miss me when there are people around them to talk with them, to joke with them, to care for them, to love them, to be someone special to them? Would that journey benefit me too? What if I could come back as a much, much better man like the protagonist in that movie? What if I could come back, totally refreshed, completely rejuvenated, changed from inside out to become a better person?
Besides, God is always with me. Would it be right for me to revert to being a loner again, wandering places where I've always wanted to go, doing things I've always wanted to do, talking to people I've never seen before? Sometimes I think it isn't. There are just so many things I have to take care of and be concerned about. So many reality checks in place. So many responsibilities currently and in the future. so many insecurities.
But maybe I don't have to make that journey after all. God is a God of new things, right? So all I have to do is to keep looking from a different perspective from where I usually glance. All I need to do is always look at the positive side, take joy in the smallest of blessings even when the circumstances are all against me, take in the beautiful part of the ugly picture, embrace the challenges I face in the most disadvantageous situations I've ever faced and instead of wallowing in defeat, march on with the knowledge that I'll be victorious.
There are times where I do feel some of my silliest worries are valid for good reason, but perhaps my journey is just like that. It's not like I can climb a mountain just by flying up all the way, or I can reach the most beautiful and scenic place just by thinking about it. There are obstacles along the way and I have to overcome them as much as I can, and it is at this point where I feel like I don't really know what to write anymore. Free Flow Writing, after all...And it's supposed to last for 20 minutes, but what the heck.
But that is it. That was probably the journey I've seen myself in. The path that I had to walk can sometimes be riddled with spikes and unexpected pitfalls, but moving upon it in different ways will most certainly help me attain my goal.
And more than that, if the journey was to be towards a most beautiful place, I wanted to do it with the person I love. Building a mutual trust in us where we can share anything and everything, being able to give and receive at the same time, being able to love her for everything she is, for her good points and her bad. Being able to achieve that kind of understanding and affection we have that I saw in my dream. Sometimes I wonder if she sees the same kind of dream, but that's just really wishful thinking from a powerful imagination.
Then we can both be the train operators, choosing to change the track where we want it both to take us. Where we just wanted to take a journey to the most wonderful place we can both think of, sometimes without even having to talk about it.
A journey to a place of unparalleled beauty and bliss.
A journey beyond our wildest dreams.
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Yeah, I know...It feels kinda random and the structuring isn't really there, but I needed to do something to get rid of the block. As for the truth in those words...
It's really up to you to comprehend and decide.
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