Focusing Iridescence

My focus was wrong, after all.

I have been thinking about it for the past few weeks, grappling with the concept that one thing must come after the other. So silly, right? In the story, even the littlest child would know that the story must have a beginning before reaching its climax and conclusion. You can't jumble the order up, or else the story would seem weird at best and a terrible waste of paper and ink at worse.

I still think I did almost irrversible damage by "complaining" on various mediums. After all, who likes to listen to the "complaints" of someone else? I think that too, just that the console controls went flying out of my hands at that moment and things went crazy. But what could I have done? Lots, of course, as people would tell me. Yet it's easier said than done to "just" make a choice.

But that's not the point. The thing is, I lost focus of what was really important and what should have came first. And I only have myself to blame for it, no matter how silent it felt around me. In the end, I had to take responsibility for myself...Which I didn't.

Had a good talk with a friend today and it took the burden off my shoulders mostly. The next thing I have to do is again, easier said than done, but it was something that I found out (with the help of the few people who really cared enough to listen and ask), and it was something that I somehow had progress in, even though I didn't realise it.

Change.

I had no idea at all that other people were looking at me in a different light till I started talking. Till someone actually started to encourage me and show me things that I could not see because I had magnified the problems a thousandfold. I had zoomed in to an infected area of the wound without realising that the skin and flesh around it was actually healing.

Do I blame the people who kept silent all the way even though I had hoped they would say something? No. They had their own problems. They were busy with their own lives. They were busy with the lives of other people as well who took priority. Who am I to judge them? In fact, I'd think I rather want to apologize to any person who thinks I'm talking about him or her.

By the same token, I really hope that you would not judge me as well. I have my own problems, my own desires. I have that group of people I want to take care of as well. This enabled me to realise two things:

(1) It's impossible, no matter how pure your intentions, to help everyone. You'll either hit brick walls erected around them or just die from exhaustion (unless the King gives you the strength).

(2) As much as I've been talking about myself, I failed to see past the magnified problem about the other issues other people have in their lives, and that I might not even figure on the bottom item of their priority list, because they really have lots of things to settle. For that, I'm really sorry.

I'm still uncertain whether I can consistently keep this up, but one thing I know is that the comparisons must become a thing of the past. My complaints must become a thing of the past to be buried and forgotten. If others can't forget, it's fine. I have Short Term Memory.

And then I can begin on focusing more on the King's promises one at a time and change.

To be a better man.