The first times are always the hardest, as I recall hearing or reading.
Ever since the mindset has been slowly renewed once again-though this time prompting me more than ever before the take action-, Negativity's grasp is wrenched away from the heart and it is dragged away, kicking and screaming, into the depths of oblivion, roaring its frustration with expletives and threats of a even mightier comeback that spoke of the complete consumption of the mind and heart.
While the victorious laugh and celebrate, his wisdom tells him that the victory will not last, not especially if he is living as a human being.
No, it will not last in the sense of it returning. Like the germs that permeate our skin every day whenever we head out for a dinner with loved ones or taking full advantage of the night's youth by clubbing away, it will always return.
I'm almost not surprised that it came back so quickly, but at least I remembered that I had to guard my heart, or else it would break through and destroy.
Bad thing is, it DID get past my defences. Good thing is, the attrition lasted for the shortest time ever in my entire history of fighting it. Last time, like the despondent monarch, I would blame my subjects and guards for letting them through and get rid of them or wallow in self-despair and drown myself in alcohol (in a figurative sense, so don't get your nerves in a bunch). But now, it feels like I'm either throwing more guards at the garrisons or simply reviewing the various policies of what I could do to make sure this does not happen again.
It IS difficult, because sometimes my mind would wander off and think depressing thoughts. Sometimes I look in the mirror and the mocking voices return a little, attempting to creep into my mind by the back door that I unceremoniously shut in their faces. Sometimes I wonder if I stand a chance at all in things that, by common sense, seemed impossible.
But like what a friend has told me through encouragement and a patient approach, it is most certainly difficult and I do have a huge disadvantage, but it is certainly NOT IMPOSSIBLE.
Sometimes I marvel at the images shown to me at such times. In Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, where the Rohan people together with the Heroic Trio (Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas) were trapped with the cave mouths facing their backs. King Theoden felt the situation was somewhat hopeless and was almost ready to give up. Like a madman-as defined by common sense, since rushing at hordes of orcs is crazy-, Aragorn disagreed and charged out.
What were they rewarded by, for their supposedly misplaced hope? Gandalf the White, in all his glory on the white horse Shadowfax, glowing like a beacon of light through the rays of the rising sun. And there came with him the Rohirrim, who snatched victory back.
It's a wonder how the King speaks to you sometimes. You can never expect Him to keep doing something in the same way, because He loves new things.
And because of that, even though I'm not very successful today (and had a good job opportunity vanish just like that), I will keep believing that I can be successful tomorrow. That I can be successful the day after, and the next, and the next...Till even I can see the change in myself so clearly that I would no longer need to compare to the people close to me. That I know my prayers will be answered, according to His will.
And I think I shall go and watch that scene again sometime soon. Never hurts to imprint something so inspiring into your mind permanently and more clearly, does it?
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