It's too late.
No, not One Republic's song. It isn't too late to apologize. It's just too late for me to repair whatever damages I've done to my image other people have for me.
You see, God is forgetful when it comes to sinning especially if you are repentant. One miserable night that turned into something hopeful told me just that. But whoever they are, be it your parents, your siblings, your friends (close or...nevermind), your acquaintances, your enemies....They remember.
That's probably the fallen nature of Man - Even if you commit a mistake and repent, they will still remember. Are they at fault for that? Probably not. It's kinda hardwired into almost everyone, unless you wan to choose to forget someone else's faults, tantrums and whatever crap they throw up after being dealt heavy blow after heavy blow.
I want to say, of course, that the me that posted countless posts yesterday was shamelessly asking for attention. Asking for someone to at least ask (even demand would be good) me what was going on. Asking for someone to show at least they care. But hey, nothing wrong with that, right? Even though a man's pride is the most fragile thing in the world, I believed I had been open enough to put that down and ask for help or understanding.
Well, it's kinda sad but....Nothing. And if you think I just want the "Awww....That's so sad. Come, lemme give you a hug" all the time, I'll virtually slap you till you don't know your left cheek from your right.
I will be over it. Just need to keep praying to fill that large, empty void of disappointment and anguish left in my heart. Keep confessing...Keep believing, even with overwhelming odds stacked against me.
I also wanted to say that the me yesterday wasn't "The real me! The real me had incidentally retreated into the recesses of my heart to recuperate from fighting a losing battle against negativity, allowing it to take over completely and never have I felt so helpless before, trapped in my own body, doing things I never wanted to!"
But who would believe it? Only I would. No one would really know the full extent of sorrow or joy you have in your own heart. No one really knows. Except you. Except my King.
Sometimes it hurts. Just to look at someone else's blog or Facebook wall, knowing that even writing the simplest of symbols and words would generate attention and words of encouragement. The only thing I got? A friend asking me to stop thinking negatively.
It's good, of course. It's always good to stop thinking negatively, but for all those comments, only one person replied. Half of my instincts tell me that it was out of irritation more than concern, but the other half tells me to keep silent and take it as a blessing.
Just one last thing to share: You know how some people say that there's a co-relation between complaining too much and being able to make few or even no friends?
Well, it's true.
By courtesy of the life story of someone close to me, it was made a revelation. Question is, if you feel that no one really cares and that you were born and bred in that environment, with the sudden release of a desire to make more friends after a life-changing event, what's going to happen?
Same thing that's going to happen to an overexcited fledgling who wants to fly without the ability or the proper guidance. It drops like a rock the moment it flaps its puny little wings in the air.
So to me, it's really a vicious cycle. No one knows or wants to know what's going on, then you're bursting to tell someone after holding it in for so long. You speak, they listen. You speak more, they get afraid and leave, causing you to become confused and hurt that no one wants to listen. Then someone else comes along after a long period of silence and process repeats.
I want to believe more in humans. I really do. But at the rate this is going, the only person that I can really depend on to listen and be infinitely patient with me is God. Not that it's a bad thing too...Maybe now I'll be able to hear him more clearly.
The next thing I can then ask is to help make people as forgetful as he is about the faults or sins of others.
Not very possible, though. Everyone's unique, after all. =)
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