I wonder if the title's really befitting of the day today.
It's supposed to be a good day today, of course, considering that I've taken yet another stuttering but good step into the working world. It's just a little more before I go all out, and I'm ill-equipped to be eligible for many positions, it seems.
Gaming? I know next to nothing about programming.
Media Design? Talent's in writing, not art, and I haven't even learned Photoshop...Yeah yeah, I know, collective gasp of horror.
Media Writing? Many better writers out there, as my time in Uni has shown me.
Networking? I couldn't even talk to friends or the people I want to talk with more to save my hide.
Jack of all trades, master of none. Possibly not even writing.
But recently, there's been a change. I find myself wanting more and more to change for whatever reasons made known only to my King, some people I really, really trust and myself. The stumbling blocks were there. I fall, but I picked myself up more easily this time and with more determination, though the tale is the same - Fighting against the darkness, losing to it, then coming on tops again.
And it can really be reflected on the outside sometimes, it seems. Just as Matthew 6:22-24 speaks of the eye and the light and darkness within, sometimes the effects manifests itself visibly. A friend told me I looked fierce - And I didn't even try! All that was occurring in my mind was how I had screwed up my chances earlier o nsomething and simply wanting to concentrate on the Korean text before me to take my mind off things. Big help it was. This was later confirmed by my mom, who said it was 'pretty obvious' that when I came home (usually from church or cellgroup) I would look more radiant and thus more good-looking, while when I was down in the dumps, I would look completely different.
Strange, but so very true. When I look back at the times where the narcissist in me took over, the mirror pointed out just how different I looked when I was brimming with confidence (a rare occurrence, by the way) in the past compared to how I looked when it seemed as though I've just be told that I've contracted the rarest form of disease that makes me immortal but infinitely weak and emotionless.
And then there was the inner struggles. Earlier I mentioned spurning the chances presented to me, and the struggle has a lot to do with this. It's strange how quickly the human mind turns to negativity at times, because I receive confirmation time and again that what I wanted was true. It was right with my King, and that I had the right mindset. All I needed was action to build my own castle and the bridges up so that I can victoriously accept it.
Yet in the blink of an eye, all it took was some silence in certain areas, where the sounds of joy are usually on the other sides, at the other bridges, while I'm left alone to build my bridge most of the time.
I did say most of the time, so there was hardly reason to despair. Being a human and having the bad habit of comparing, I look at the beautiful arches and pillars and ivory used in the construction of the other bridges, and I looked at my own coarse, wooden one and sigh. Somehow the other architects had the expertise, the diligence and the opportunities. Would my diligence ever be enough, especially if they also believe that the King helps them?
I don't want to compete, of course, because what I want isn't so easily quantified. It would be rude and disrespectful to do so. At times like this, I would give up, sit down on the gravelly ground as the storm sends its waves of tears down upon my body, all numb and void of hope and emotion.
Yet there is but one thing to do. Focus on what was in front of me. Focus on the bridge, even if the doubts tell me that the dream and hope doesn't want to have anything to do with me. The vision is enough. It should be enough.
It must be enough, because that and the Word that accompanied it was what really kept me going, even if sometimes it would inexplicably disappear from my memory, sometimes I would remember....That the King has reserved that promise for me, if I keep following his righteousness and keep on keeping on despite the odds. Despite how it seems like in reality, the vision is shying away from me because of some reasons that I do not know.
It's not like I want it to happen immediately, because I know neither the vision nor I would be ready to be receive and be received respectively. Changes need to happen. Things need to happen. I wonder if I had given the impression that I was being overly eager about receiving, but in all certainty and truth, all I wanted was the build the bridge to the vision.
Then again, maybe it wasn't what I thought. Maybe it's just my imagination playing a stupid but damaging prank on me, teasing me with negative impressions and attempting to pull me down so it can go wild again. At times like this, I would reverse that thinking sometimes and wonder if it's better that I don't hope too much from things, since hope deferred makes the heart sick, right?
But on a more positive note, when I do receive some pleasantly unexpected surprises (like I did earlier last week - it's a secret!), it's very, very pleasant. Even if I can't follow up on that.
Confused? Good. Stay that way, because it would be too boring if you guessed everything that I was talking about correctly. =)
Continuing to Hope and Dream for the continuation of the Vision...
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