It's not about me.
I have to keep thinking that way. Deny myself. Tell myself that it's not about me. That it's NEVER about me. I can't be selfish and want attention all the time when I'm down or when I'm in trouble. I can't.
Even though I say that, it's weird how this restlessness just keeps surfacing and resurfacing all over again. Today was a hopeless day for change...I screwed up on cooking a simple dish, screwed up on playing the piano, screwed up on looking for a job, screwed up on starting to write the story I always wanted to, screwed up on doing and brainstorming something up for a leader...Even screwed up on games and sleeping.
I wanted to talk to someone, tell someone how I feel right now, but then again, it's not about me. I shouldn't be bothering other people when they have their own troubles to take care of. I shouldn't be dampening their spirits when they are so happy with interacting with friends and enjoying their holidays or overseas trips. I shouldn't think of my own feelings and cast them to the back of my mind.
But maybe tonight I can finally hear from the King. He always speaks when I'm tired and completely out of options, with seemingly nowhere to turn to. I can always, always count on him even though I can't find solace in humans.
And I think I'm going to stop expecting people to talk to me despite what I've tried. Heck, it came to a point where books, other friends outside my immediate social circle and anime actually encouraged me more in one day than what I want in a week (Can't think that way...Deny myself).
Lesser expectations, lesser disappointment; Lesser hope, lesser hurt. It also means a bigger surprise when something good happens too, so I'll just give up and take a back seat in this department. Maybe I'm the one who's scaring people away, after all. Might be a plausible explanation why some of them open up to others so quickly while I still can't even talk properly with them after knowing them for 1-2 years. Might be a reason why it seems like no one wants to talk to me at all too. Who knows?
But still, I shall listen to the King. Tonight I'll vent my frustrations. I'll speak to Him, pour out my heart, because only He has the patience and enough love to care.
Hopefully, more people will care. Hopefully, when I'm finished with this, I'll be much stronger. Hopefully, I'm still on track to fulfil my goals and my visions.
Man fails, but God doesn't.
No comments:
Post a Comment