Recent times have made me wonder...How did I end up in dilemmas like those that had been tormenting me for the past few weeks? How was it that I had suffered less last time and was tormented for a lesser time?
I still remembered the good-subjective, really-old days in primary, secondary and JC days where boys will be boys. Always playing around, making a fool of ourselves and laughing our heads off at stupid things. Certain things would be different due to the upbringing or circumstances in different schools then. Being in neighbourhood schools most of my life gave me a gloomier uptake on certain things when I was being compared to my peers. "Hey, I'm in Anderson JC currently." "Have you heard, her son is going to RJC!" "Wow, isn't the school she's going to quite prestigious?" "I didn't know he was in ACJC. Atas sia..."
Yeah, those are the kind of comparisons you hear many times. I guess it justifies why some people really have a huge sense of inferiority at times.
But that's not the point (Ahh...Good old Exel...digressing again). Point is, while some ACJC or RJC people might be talking about quantum physics or how to earn loads of money by being a stockbroker, I spent many days together with my friends oogling at pretty ladies and cracking perverted jokes, sometimes talking about our misadventures with the teachers and boasting about how we managed to climb out of the front gate Metal Gear Solid style, only to discover that there had ALWAYS been a camera fixed to those places.
Sometimes I really think those were fun times. Though they didn't last, but at least it gave me a sense of belonging.
And most of all, being the 'brothers' we were, we talked about our own crushes.
Okay, if you've at least gone to JC or Poly and don't know what the heck I'm talking about, then you're a liar. Unless you chose to isolate yourself so deeply that the only other thing that saw your facial expressions were your lecture notes and readings. Ladies (if anyone that's a lady actually reads this pile of trash), if you're surprised, then I suggest you talk to more guy friends and get to know the guy world a little, especially if you are attached or are looking to get attached. Always good to understand simple-minded creatures first, no?
And yeah, we talk about them. Sometimes we go off in our own little world, talking about how wonderful she is. About how she's the most beautiful thing next to the graduation certificates or magnificent O/A level result slips. About how her laugh was the sweetest melody we've heard aside from the school bell signaling the end of yet another boring lesson or day. About how the way she smiles simply makes our hearts melt like ice-cream on a dastardly hot and lazy afternoon. About how enchanting her eyes were. About how....
You get my drift.
As much as girls love to gush about their idol boybands or subjectively handsome guys that threaten to suffocate them (a.k.a take their breath away), guys like to do it too. Sometimes. Aside from the ultimate studious student, the only other group would probably be thos who were immediately (and unfairly) blessed with good looks and a charismatic air around them.
Oops, digressed again. The real me's coming back slowly, at least.
And because of all that talk, teasing and encouragement between brothers (some helpful enough to even suggest getting you two alone somehow), we start to hope. We start to think that despite all our reservations (Not handsome enough, not macho enough, not sporty enough, not studious enough, not talented enough, not cocky enough) that somehow, our heart was all that matters.
Till you realise that the situation's against you like a nemesis. She's surrounded by friends. She knows so many good looking guys. She knows so many charismatic people who are humorous even when they don't try or could at least hold their interest for more than five minutes. By her own standards, there are always 'rivals' around her, and each of them unofficially form a wall around her, blocking you out, until one section of the wall emerges with her out of the barricade while you look on like an idiot.
And that was the time where I gave up and let go quickly. Hey, it's just me, right? No promises made to me by a matchmaker. No pressures to get a girlfriend anyway.
DIGRESSION: Which reminds me of something...I had been close before with purely my heart and silly, slapstick jokes, but irrevocably had to give her up because of my principles. To put it bluntly, I didn't want to be the one to cause a break-up in a relationship that seemed rocky at that time.
Then I give up hope quickly. No one to really support me. Those 'brothers' could only console me, because I knew there was nothing they could do as well. After that, going to play some crazy soccer games or doing my smashing drills (stunned my coach and junior so badly that the former kept silent throughout that session and the latter was....just scared. He was on the receiving end of my smashing) to take things off my mind. Mugging works too, especially when exams were near.
But herein lies the paradox.
I have been given hope once again by my King. Hope in many things. Hope that I can somehow break out of my ugly duckling and turn into the swan I've almost wanted to be. Hope that I can finally step out of the shadow of my....close peers and be a unique individual. Hope that I can finally, finally fully utilised the enormous potential within, that sometimes people tell me it's a waste for it to lie...dormant.
Hope that after all those changes, I can finally fulfill my deepest desires.
And things happened. Good and bad. I started to see a change in myself, though a little too slowly for my liking. I started to have really bad stuff happening too. Doubt flooded in via insecurities and sometimes the people around me were the unwitting mediums. All at once, I felt hope slipping away and there was nothing I could do about it.
But then this time, there was a promise. Something that was shown to me so many times that even though I had my doubts, I still believed. I found that I could still hang on and found refreshment in my King. The circumstances, the people, the mocking voices of doubt came in again and I stumbled. But this time, there's always the thread of Hope to grab hold of.
'Bite and cling on like a little dog' Was what a pastor said. I'm doing that...But when your rival(s) are people you actually respect and want them to be happy, how about yourself? Will you be seen as being self-centered if all you wanted was your own happiness? How could one even hope to do something like that when he doesn't even feel like part of the family still, where people care for and love one another?
But my King still says I can have what I want. He still gives me that hope, especially when I slumber, where my imagination is at its best and his voice is at its clearest. Sometimes the dream felt so vivid that when I woke up, it almost felt as though that the waking up was part of the dream itself!
Basically, I don't want to give up, but it's causing me to suffer badly from inner struggles. And when I feel like doing that and just asking-no, pleading my King for confirmation before I slip towards the end of my line, He always provides the confirmation and comfort.
Maybe this really is a real onslaught from the Enemy and I have to withstand it, even if he uses my King's people against me in a manner only I can understand. Even if he uses my friends against me. Even if he uses Tsoon Liang of The Past against Exel of The Future.
Battle, battle and battle. Like I said, my heart still hurts, but I can only choose to look forward and keep trying, because this time my King is really for me.
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